I want to scream until my voice is gone and my face is red hot from the tears streaming down onto my chest.
I want to punch something until there is blood running down my arms from my fists and I collapse on the ground out of shear exhaustion.
Instead I sit in painful silence waiting for the next time I snap at someone I care about again.
I just want to get away but I have nowhere to go and no way to get there. I don't want to get away from anyone, I just want to run.
I have so many thoughts racing through my head. Many of them aim to make me break down and cry but I can't. If I do then they win. She wins. I can't let that happen. For now I've just got to endure this. I don't know how to explain this. I don't have the right words but it's not nice.
I've been given medication but it's not helping as I was promised. I've been told I need to keep taking it until I can go see the doctor. My doctor is past the border and I can't get there at the moment. It sucks. I feel like I'm slowly going insane.
I've gained a lot of weight in the last few months. I try to avoid looking at my reflection in windows now. I hate seeing myself and how big I've gotten. I want to start walking again to become healthier but when it comes to it I have no motivation. I'm constantly nagged by her voice in my head. Judging me. Comparing me. I can't make it stop. It's made me hate the way I look. I hate the way she makes me feel.
Sometimes I wonder if I got a dog it would help me feel more confident to go walking. I keep imagining people looking at me and judging me because I'm walking. Why do I keep doing that!? At least if I got a dog then I wouldn't feel so out of place. My cat wouldn't like it though. She's finally the only pet in the house after her adopted sister died from bowl problems. May she Rest In Peace.
Anyways it's late now, I should attempt to sleep, I'll most likely spend some time starting at the darkness before either watching YouTube or playing a game on my phone. If anything
Stay happy
