Texts and me venting

September 2019

September 2019,

i miss you. even though my lifesaver, my phone, broke. even though my family was still hurting from the mess before. even though i caught feelings that aren't explainable. this was the best month of my life. it actually started in August but in September it went on like this for the whole month. You brought me little joy in my so miserable life. you were the one that distracted me from my failed attempts of loving. you liked me for being me. even though i was still friend-zoned... i didn't care. Yes. It hurt. and Yes. i was sad. but you were the first one to accept my overflowing love. it started with roughing your hair up. then it went to hanging over. and at last, the touch i always wished for. the hugs. there were times we cuddled for hours. we were playfully flirting and your eyes. oh, those eyes. i could stare at them for hours. and then there are your light orange freckles and your reddish hair. it didn't stop there. your scent is the first i liked from someone. it sounds weird but it is true. i don't even like the scent of my parents. and you don't want to see me when something smells like you. every time i think something, like clothing or plush animals, smells like you i hope that the scent of you won't fade and i hold it closer to me. i also love how skinny you are. even though i can't understand how you do it but your bones and ribs are relaxing me. i could play with them and probably fall asleep. your small hands are also so cute. I'd love to hold them forever. and not to forget about your voice. i wish i could hear it after waking up and before i fall asleep.

i love to remember the times where we gave each other small kisses on our cheeks. it only was bc of truth or dare but still, i enjoyed them. i remember when you tried to bite my nose or my first attempt at holding your hand. we even intervened with our fingers. i remember when we were holding our hands while you played GTA on the PlayStation. you weren't able to play well but still held onto my hand. and even before this all, i thought you were cute. do you still remember the day where you tried to play a song for me? You just asked me what my favorite song is and tried playing it on your guitar. i still sometimes watch the video i took of you on that day.  and do you remember when we were in that old observatory? we pretty much stuck together and i remember holding myself onto your arm. i was so tired bc it was so late. i just have to think about these small little things and have to smile. at least i was happy and still hoped you felt something for me. oh god, what would i give only to live in this month forever?

but every time after thinking of this: you told me that you liked me as a friend...does that mean you would do this with every girl?

Sorry that this is more like a text and that this isn't poetic. I just needed to let this out of my head. I may write more like this than poems. I hope you don't mind. Good morning/have a nice day/ good night.

🌹if anyone needs someone to talk: i will read it in the comments if you need me.🌹