Messy

Study Buddies

The anger dispersed from my body after about an hour of internally screaming at Tony. I knew forgiving would be hard but I didn't think it would be this hard to be honest. All of the feelings of neglect and anger at his abandonment were unleashed from the box I had forced them into deep in my mind. The influence of not having a parent in the early years of my life was always going to be there, I knew it was and there was very little I could do to change that, however hard I tried. Being unwanted and not good enough was only healed partially by the appearance of by Mother, adopted of not she did more for me than any human on the planet, and now she is gone as well. Looking out into the vastness of New York City, its beautifully ironic that I have never felt as alone as I do right now, in one of the most busy cities on the planet. I have spent all of my life as a lone wolf, and as much as I am aware it was self-inflicted and a choice I made, maybe I should start letting down my barrier.

Darkness encapsulated my room hours and FRIDAY had asked about dinner some hours ago. Checking my phone I realised it was 2AM and I was hungry and in need of a cigarette. I put on a hoodie and left my room in search of the kitchen I saw earlier. I arrived and made a b-line to the extensive balcony. Leaning against the wall, I lit up the cigarette and looked at my lighter that belonged to my mother, my real mother. EM was engraved on the silver and I ran my finger over the metal. Maybe if she was still alive, I would feel complete. I wonder often about her, are we similar, would we have got on. But apparently, that knowledge was not meant for me to know. Taking a deep drag, I revelled in the smoke, relaxing me and calming my thoughts.

My attention was drawn to the elevator ding back in the tower. Bucky excited the elevator and walked into the room. I was unsure if he would see me, but as the door opened behind me, I realised he did.

"You know, those will kill you" he said in his Brooklyn drawl, while leaning over the balcony with me.

"I think right now, they are helping me more than they are hindering me if I'm honest" I retorted.

"Wow, you managed a sentence without insulting me, I feel like I need to call CNN and let them know"

"I'm surprised you know that CNN is grandpa" I said, a mischievous glint in my eye. I don't know what it is about Barnes but I'm definitely intrigued by his bad-boy attitude and mysterious demeanour. And it didn't help that he wasn't not attractive. Not that I would ever do anything or even want to because I don't know him and I have bigger things to worry about and many other countless reasons that make the mere suggestion sound ridiculous and me sound crazy.

"There we go, thats better. Anyway just came to let u know about the dangers of smoking, gonna get some water and go back to bed. Night" and with that he turned and went.

As I watched him walk back into the tower and eventually into the elevator, I wondered why I was slightly disappointed to see the attractive man go. Finishing off my first cig, I pondered while lighting another one, it was a two cig kind of night to be honest. I think in the root of it I just want a friend here. Someone who can understand the trials and tribulations of the situation she is currently in. Unfortunately, that doesn't look like its going to happen. Oh well.

Walking back in to the room, the elevator doors opened and a very disheveled and tired looking Tony looked at me. I was completely unsure of what to do, I mean the last time I saw him, I was yelling, maybe I shouldn't have.

"Hi Tony, erm-" he cut me off...

"Hi Liza, now I need you to listen, I am so so sorry about the argument before, I think I forgot just because I really want to give you the relationship I was never able to doesn't necessarily mean you're gonna jump on the dad-daughter brunch bandwagon"

I chuckled, replying "well, I don't know, a brunch doesn't sound too bad to me, maybe we should just take things a little slower, I mean we know about as much as each other realistically, so we could learn together, be study buddies."

"You know what kid, study buddies sounds okay to me, you want a late night pop tart? Gotta get them early when their delivered, Thor steals them otherwise."

"haha, I can actually imagine that and that sounds good."

I returned back to my room thinking maybe, just maybe it'll all be okay.