Silent Tears||John Murphy

{Play the song above, if you want more songs to listen while reading here's the song list:
~ "Rewrite the stars" by James Arthur
~ "This town" by Niall Horan
~"Before you go" by Lewis Capeldi
~ "Waves" by Dean Lewis}

They were starring blankly but they still had thunders in their eyes. They were used to it. To fighting. To sacrificing. Yet they were frozen but there were a battle in each of their minds. They all thought about it as about an end, either end of them all or one of them. Everyone was fighting their own battle with themselves only. No matter how big mess they had in their minds he knew them too well, he knew that they had one thought is common I have to do it. It was like time has stopped, it was only him thinking, admiring everything that was going around him. He saw chaos, it was scarring him and bringing him comfort at once. Chaos was all they ever knew. He was looking at people who surrounded him. He knew this expression that they all had on their faces. They were planning their goodbyes and the saddest thing was that this wasn't the first time they were doing it. He thought about all the times when they were leaving before, thinking it was forever. Different dangers, same faces, same thoughts. And one thing he was always wondering about was how were they not scared to just stop breathing for someone? He wasn't always saying it but he always thought about them as about someone brave and about himself as coward, always running away. They all literally gave up their lives for strangers they have met by bunch of accidents. Another thing was how was he always saved when he had betrayed them so many times. It was weird for him, he was not used to someone carring about him so he always made them feel guilty about what they did, but the truth is he admired them but was to scared to say a thank you. How were they not scared to just go? How was they just doing it without a second thought? He knew they were good guys. No matter how many bad things they did, he just knew they all were good. Too good to let other people die. That's just who they were.

This isn't fair.

They are too good to die. There were many times like this before but this situation was somehow different. For the first time he wasn't that much of a coward. He always had the same battle in mind as them but he was always losing, choosing what was the best for him, the easiest way. This time his own battle wasn't that loud. And he wasn't trying to fight back even a little bit. It was like he finally understood something, not quite realising what it was. It was like he finally accepted something and agreed with his mind. It was just like few quick looks, few quick thoughts... and then peace. Silence. Like there were no need to argue anymore, like he finally was one with his mind. This silence was the last moment of admiring the beautiful chaos surrounding him before the time started running again, and he run with it. Few steps forward, fast enough so he'll do something before the decide to. It was like an instinct, and he didn't know if it was strong enough so he didn't want them to try to stop him. He was walking, ready to face the danger. He was just few steps in front of them but he knew there was no coming back now. He didn't wanted that. He made up his mind, and they didn't try to stop him because they knew how hard it was. He stopped for a moment, looked up thinking and took a deep breathe before turning around.

He looked at people standing few steps away from him, now each of them had a different expression but he just smiled and rolled his eyes. He has never liked to get emotional so he tried to play it cool. He looked at his friends and realised this is the first time he actually admitted who they were to him, not just some bunch of people that he met because he was a criminal like them. They were his closest thing to a real family he ever had, family that have never left him, no matter how many times he has betrayed them, they always let him come back. But he wasn't the only one in the room who realised it just now, because they all looked at the ground thinking about how they never noticed how much this little, annoying cockroach means to them. No one has really said how much they cared.... but they did. A lot. Before it was just a thing they did just because without thinking about it any further but this time they understood. No one said anything but them looking at the ground in some kind of realisation was all he needed to know he was doing the right thing.