Reflection (Kim Namjoon x Reader)

Chapter 18

Taehyung was curious as to why you requested an extra long lunch break today. At first, he did his usual teasing, believing that you were sneaking off to see your lover, to which you punched his arm for saying such ridiculous things. Though you scoffed, in reality, you wish it was true, you wished it was because you were seeing Joon, but you were on a secret mission to find out who he really is.

Ever since you found that book, you couldn't shake the feeling of guilt. As a nurse, as his caretaker, you should have said something. You should be the person helping him remember his identity to be reunited with his family. But instead, you chose to be just you, a girl deprived of attention and love. A selfish and cruel person. Halmeoni would be disappointed, and Joon would be even angrier at you for keeping this from him.

To prevent the fire of guilt from growing any further, you decided to go to head to the library to do more research on him. Zipping up your hoodie, you entered the doors and went straight to his name, Kim Namjoon. It felt like a surreal dream, his books were there, his name was on it, loud and clear. Feeling the matte cover with your finger, it was like the words themselves were painting the picture of who he is right in front of you. A novelist, a writer, a futurist. Someone who loves writing to relax his mind, to work his brain. Someone who loves going to the museum, seeing the philosophies of artists come to life in colorful and vivid exhibitions. Those were the things you gathered from skimming through his works. They left you shaking.

There was one last thing you needed to read, his author bio. Kim Namjoon was born in Ilsan. He started writing when he was 13 and has a special love for the sea. His works resemble those of Herman Hesse and Haruki Murakami in that they reflect on the social climate of today's youth. He hopes that the world will become a better place for souls who are healing. You smiled fondly, it sounded just like him, the Joon you know. Reading further, your heart was starting to break. He currently resides in Seoul with his long-time girlfriend and model Yang Hye Soo. There it is, the bullet, the trigger that will pull everything apart. You closed the book sharply, catching your breath.

From far away, someone had observed everything you were doing and put away his current read on how to stop time to stay longer next to his lover. No book dealt with the topic, so he gave up. But his eyes were set on the book you just set down and his detective mode was turned on.

***

The clipboard in your hand dropped, making Taehyung jumped. He was in the middle of signing a contract and the loud thump made his signature look like a doodle of a child. He glanced up, your body was frozen and your face washed of any color. Taehyung thought you were having a stroke and rushed over to check your eyes. They were fine, your temperature was fine, but your mind was somewhere else. "Maybe you should go home for the day," he advised.

"You're not gonna ask me what's going on?"

"I think it's something you need to figure out yourself. I won't force you to tell me."

You nodded, and gathered your stuff. Before leaving, you inhaled, "If you knew something and letting that secret out would hurt you but might help someone else, would you let it out?"

Taehyung pondered on that thought for a bit, "If I care about that person, I don't think I would give a damn about myself."

You knew that was the answer, it was the only answer and you hated that it was the only way. You weren't allowed to be selfish, not at all. As you headed outside, you saw Yoongi approaching with Taehyung's afternoon snacks. Your head was pounding, you didn't want to stay long and greeted him with a small wave, hoping it would suffice. But unfortunately, he was looking for a conversation.

"I saw you at the library," he stated. You couldn't hide your shock and guilt. "You know what you have to do, right?"

"I do," you muttered. "I just want this to last for a little bit longer."

"Y/N, you know that's not ethical. And as a police officer, I will have to do something if you don't."

"I know, just give me tonight at least." you begged. He exhaled, feeling the burden that love puts upon all of us. He wondered what he would do if he was in your shoes and lamented at the fact that he didn't have to think about that hypothetical. He was with the person he's destined to be with.

"Okay," he agreed. "Just tonight."

"Just tonight," you repeated. On the bike ride home, your eyes were burning. The streets would be lonely without him, the house would be quiet, and your mind would be vacant. That's something you had to live with, that's the life you were destined for.

Joon was setting up the table while halmeoni takes her usual afternoon stroll. He was excited for dinner and even more thrilled that he will finally receive an answer from you. When he heard the bicycle parked outside, his head perked up but he tried to control his breathing to remain calm and collective in front of you. But it was fruitless. He's been impatient and hungry for the answer. He wanted your smile to be his, for your eyes to look only at him with such delight, he wanted to be selfish.

You quickly wiped your eyes before entering the house, and faked a smile when you saw him. Usually, your smile comes naturally in his presence, but something about the air tonight made it impossible for you to feel happy. "Hi Y/N, how was work? You're home a little bit early."

"Um yeah, I just have a little headache," you answered.

"Oh no, I'll go get you some medicine." Without thinking, you grabbed his hand. His cheeks flushed and you let him go when you realized what you had done. "Sorry."

"It's okay."

"Can we talk?"

"Y-yeah, o-of course." Here it is, the moment he had been anxiously waiting for. He watched your lips formed the words, but his heart dropped with every second. It wasn't the answer he was waiting for.

"I'm sorry, I don't think it's right for us to be together," you began, the knot in your throat expanding. "This isn't your life and it's wrong of me to keep you here when your life is somewhere else."

"What if I want to be here?" he argued. "What if I want to be with you instead? I don't care about my previous life."

"Namjoon, don't say that," you cried. "Your life isn't here, there's someone else for you. I'm sorry." He watched as you ran to your room, slamming the door shut. Shutting him out completely and most likely forever. He was left hanging on why you called him "Namjoon" with such strangeness and distance in your voice.