PLEASE READ!!!! TRIGGER WARNINGS BELOW!!!!!
Okay, before we move anywhere near forward I have a few things to say. This was a basic request from @britishfans892 -thank you love I hope you enjoy this!- and she asked for one of the boys to deal with death or a relationship by cutting. And I was going to go simple. But then my feelings and experiences added into the mix and it became something different entirely.
I have had problems -still do actually- with some of the experiences in this one shot. And it is very close to my heart, because going through cutting or panic attacks is wothout a doubt the hardest thing you can deal with. I used my thoughts and emotions to write this. But other people go through it differently. Not everyone is the same when it comes to these things. They're handled differently in many situations. So please anyone who has never experienced these things don't take this as a general explanation or example. This is just my experience with it solely.
Lastly please if you are triggered or upset by panic attacks or cutting, leave this one shot right away. I would never wish to have someone saddened or triggered by my work in any way. So please leave and if you'd like I could right you a one shot to make up for this. Please I just want you guys happy. Don't hurt yourself over this. It would kill me inside.
Okay this is done and if you can, please enjoy this. I put a lot of effort and my heart and soul into this.
Enjoy!
Jade💙
I tried and tried but my best never seemed good enough for him. No matter what I said, or what I did I just wasn't doing good enough. I spoke what he wanted me to say. I acted the way he wanted me to act, and still in the end it wasn't enough. I didn't know if I could give anymore than what I already gave. My all just wasn't cutting it and I had nothing left to give. I didn't know what he wanted anymore.
"Liam I just can't give you anything more than what I'm already giving." I spoke quietly. All my fun and sass had flown at the window in the past year or so. My demeanor changed into one that suited Zayn.
"What do you mean?" He asked. He sat up from his laid out position on my bed and looked at me as if he hadn't asked me to act more straight than I had already tried to be.
"What I'm saying is," I started. I didn't know how to word it where he wouldn't think I was giving up on what we tried so hard to build. "I'm saying... Fuck. I don't have anymore of myself to give. My best isn't good enough and I'm tired of being the only person trying to make myself better. I am who I am and that is obviously not going to change." I finished, standing beside the bed. He frowned deeply and looked at me. He was now standing, facing me across from the bed.
"Louis what are you saying? Are you giving up on this? On us?" He asked obviously struck with shock that I was saying something so 'blatantly incredulous'. I sighed deeply. It felt like the only relief I ever got was from a sigh and even that didn't give me enough.
"I'm giving up on trying to be something and someone I'm not Liam. I never wanted this to be some big over-the-fucking-top scheme to trick everyone that I'm not in love with you. You wanted this and I'm the only one who's working at it. It seems to come so god damned easy for you but look at me. What about me? When will it be my turn to have it easy?!" I cried. Couldn't he see? couldn't he tell how hard this was for me? How much it was tearing me apart.
"You can't." He said. I blinked a few times. Was he joking? This had to be some sick joke. He really couldn't love me that little.
"I can. And I am. And if you don't like it, then that's too fucking bad." I snapped. He had no right to force me this way. No right to tell me that I couldn't be emotionally unstable because the stress and the lies and the secrets was too much. He had no fucking right.
