Extra Napkins
It was a warm Saturday night. I was meeting my girlfriend at our favorite restaurant. I was going to propose to her that night. Everything had to be perfect. I got there two hours early to set everything up. I readied the candles, checked the plates, and cushioned the chairs. I looked at an extra stack of napkins on the waiters tray. I laughed to myself saying, "We don't need extra napkins!" And i sat down to wait for my soon to be wife. The two hours passed by slowly. She was late. I thought to myself "Its ok if shes a little late, shes a woman after all." And waited even longer. Another hour passed and she was still nowhere to be seen. My stomached growled like Chewbacca after eating Chipotle. I was starving. The waiter came to take my order. I only asked for an appetizer of some chili with chips. It got to my table. It looked delicious. I ate it all so quickly, too quickly. I ate it faster than a mix of Honeybooboo's mom and Sonic at a pie eating contest. My hands were dirty, so dirty. I couldn't wipe all the sauce on my shirt, so I used my napkin. It wasn't enough. I used my girlfriends napkin. Still not enough. I remembered the extra napkins. Just as I was about to make a run for them, my girlfriend came in. Being a sensible human-being, I did the only thing I could possibly do. I shoved my hands up my butcheeks. Yes, it hurt. But I had no other choice. The date was going fine and my butcheeks were absorbing the chili. Soon all the chili would disappear. Then it hit me. It hit me like the great chimichanga bombs of 98. My chair exploded. It flew everywhere... All over the waiters, other people, and my girlfriend. It was a horrible mix of my poop and delicious high quality chili. Wasted chili. All i could do was fall into it. I fell into a pile of my own manure farm. I cried that night. Cried more than any night in my life. Then my girlfriend walked up to me. She was smiling. She told me, "I always knew you could do it, I always knew you could start your own manure business!" At that moment she jumped in next to me. She made a poop angel. I knew she was the perfect girl for me. So I dumped her that night and started dating her sister.
The End
