To Be...

Chapter 15

To be cradled by Leon one last time, to prove my hypothesis with his kiss, to ask him what happened in New York, to see him blush, his smile, his face, his jokes, and his musical laughter.

I longed for Leon.

Not to save me, although that would be nice, but just to see him one last time.

I wanted to hear him speak to me, and warn me about what he could do to me. I wanted his sarcasm, his laughter. I wanted his confused self, his real self. I wanted to tell him everything that he missed while he was gone. I wanted to brag to him about the sparring at the church, and the techniques I used. I wanted to tell him how Harwin saved both Dillon and I, and tell him not to hurt him. I wanted to show him why I didn't wear dresses. I wanted to keep secrets from him that would drive him mad. I wanted to know who Cecile was.

The last thing he said to me before he left was 'Do not get yourself in too much trouble'. I wanted to apologize for falling into the ultimate trouble. I wanted to thank him, for taking care of me, for protecting me and shielding me without my knowledge. I wanted to ask him if what Dillon said was true- if everyone in the house wanted me in some way. If so, what way did Leon want me? I wanted to see him still get surprised over my growling stomach, or when I ate like an animal. I wanted to see him again, and to feel all the sensations billow to the surface.

But most of all...

I want to leave him alone. Let him forget me, and move on. I want him to think I did this to myself, so he can't feel guilty. I want to leave his family in peace. Nadia would respect me for that.

Harwin had his arms airtight around me. I wasn't very shocked at his announcement of remorse, because I had seen it in his face all along. He had tried to apologize for it before he even decided to carry it out.

He was blinded by one-sided love, in the hope that Jermaine would return the love.

My side was still very tender, and his grip didn't exactly make it feel better. There was endearment in the way he held me, though. I imagined him as Leon, rocking me back and forth to ease my nightmares. Humming a tune to my heartbeat.

I held my breath, hoping it would come true.

I didn't wake up.

But it was a nightmare. I am exactly where I dreamt I would be. Too bad, that dream was a very vivid nightmare.

I could see the monsters clearly, now. And they were monsters. They acted as if they had never been human, save Palmer. Trevor and Jermaine weren't excepted. They were as inhuman as creatures could get. They'd reached the point where humans weren't anything but toys. They were the hunters and they preferred a nice chase. But the chase was over, and I was thrown overboard to calm the storm as Jonah had been.

Harwin was not a monster to me, though. He did this for someone else's pleasure, not his own. Jermaine was cold and impassive, so he did what he could to gain her affections. Love is probably like being hypnotized. Wanting whatever the hypnotist wanted. It wasn't his fault.

"If I die before Leon comes," I began through gritted teeth, trying to hide the fact I was speaking to him. "Tell him I killed myself, and that no one's to blame. Especially not him."

Harwin nodded, and rubbed his hand comfortingly against my arm. I winced at the abrading of my bandages against the wound. I had wanted too sincerely to stay alive, when I knew it wasn't possible.

'I could live like this a bit longer'

I wanted to fill the gap. I wanted to be needed, too. I didn't want to die so soon.