These strange steps

1. One

Celine Dion has performed on the stage she's looking at right now.

Somehow, Rachel always thought this moment would mean more to her, but the stage in the Colosseum isn't that much bigger or brighter than any other stage she's been on, and honestly, when she'd told Kurt that she wanted the summer off, she didn't mean I just want to go to a different city and do the same thing I've been breaking my back doing for the past three years.

She's more or less a household name now.

She's also pretty sure that if Time ever ran an expose on the 100 loneliest people in America, she'd be at the very top.

The only highlight of her career, which on paper is everything she's ever wanted, is that somehow she's surrounded herself with people that she knows and loves, albeit not in the way that she wishes she could. Puck has gone everywhere with her, starting out as just a roadie on some of her solo tours after the Les Mis revival she headlined shortly after graduating from NYU, and Kurt became her manager not long after that, when he finally felt like he had enough experience to deal with someone with actual star potential.

When she's busy doing bit parts in LA, she crashes with Brittany and Santana, and when she's in New York, she hangs out with Tina and Mike and discovers hidden and mysterious Chinese take-aways with illegible menus. Back in Lima, Sam and Mercedes are happy with their first kid underway, and Finn will always be there, holding on to his glory moment of winning conference and wondering how it is that none of the girls in his life stuck around for the end.

Glee club had started out tenuously enough, with nearly everyone in it obviously hating her, but by the time they'd graduated, they'd all been friends. At least, she thought they had been, and they now are the only people who remember the Rachel Berry who occasionally had moments of weakness, and occasionally gave up a solo in exchange for a hug.

There's only one person they've all lost touch with, and when Rachel starts wondering about what ever happened to Quinn Fabray, she knows she's had way too much to drink.

Puck wraps an arm around her waist and says, "Rach, you're killing yourself. You don't need to do three dress rehearsals. You're going to kick ass either way, you know that. You could sing a bum note and nobody would even notice. They're here for the image, babe. They're not here for you giving them everything you've got."

She knows he's right, but he should know by now that the only way she knows how to do her job is by putting everything in. It's the only way that she can stop thinking about the things that are missing from her life, and the delicious irony that Kurt Hummel, possibly the gayest man on Earth, has to keep reminding her that it would be prospect-destroying for her to come out at this point in her career.

She's about to break into Hollywood, he keeps saying. And the money in Hollywood is conservative. You're not seeing anyone anyway, Rachel, so while I appreciate that it matters to you to be true to yourself, you can be true to yourself when you've made enough money to retire.

The worst part is that he's probably right.

"I'm so... how did I get here?" she whispers into Puck's neck, and he lifts her out of her seat and hugs her tightly.

"I don't know, babe," he says, pressing a kiss to her head and tucking her under his arm. "We'll figure something out."

...

The next day, she feels moderately better emotionally, and so much worse physically; she throws up once, and then a second time after attempting some Pilates on the floor by her bed.

They rented the house, because it's a three month gig at Caesar's, and she spends enough of her time in hotels as it is. Sometimes, she thinks about getting a dog or something, just to keep her company, but pets aren't suitable for her way of life. She can't even remember the last time she spent eight hours a day at home, let alone with the energy to take a Golden Retriever jogging through Central Park.