Stories of Christian Life: Short Stories

Smile

Growing up can be hard in life for so many but the hardest thing in life is to smile and fool the world like everything is ok when the reality is not.

We all have emotions that are good to express and to show it. The basic emotions that everyone knows are joy, anger, disgust, fear, and sadness just like in the movie Inside Out. It's okay to express it cause it's part of us, it's something that God made too, but in my case, it's illegal. It's illegal to be angry, it's illegal to feel disgusted about something, it's illegal to fear, but the most illegal is to be sad.

Since I was a little girl, I have been forced to smile for anything, even when my emotionally abusive father yells at me, offended me, or anything he did to me, he would always say, " Stop crying and smile!" Years after years, when anything or anyone did something bad to me that hurt me, instead of supporting me, I was told, " Why are you crying? You should not cry! Be strong and SMILE!" It's like they're doing everything they can to have it as a habit so when I'm alone in the world, I would know what to do, smile.

I couldn't defend myself cause that will show like I'm being rude and arrogant. I couldn't have a fear cause that will show I'm scared for everything in the world, I couldn't do anything just Smile. I don't know what the world wanted to create me? Did they expect to create a girl that will be tough and brave? Because they fail, I end up being so sensitive over everything, even the smallest thing! I begin to grow fears, I begin to pretend, but mostly I begin to grow up to be a butterfly who shows beauty but it's deeply hurt inside.

Now that I'm the age of an adult; no one has told me to smile anymore except one person is, and that person is me. Every time I'm hurt I think to myself and say, " Smile." When I'm being hurt by my father or by anyone, I Smile cause that's the only emotion I know what to show. When I want to show anger, I smile! When I'm scared of something, even that is near death, I Smile! When something is disgusting for me, I Smile! And when I want to cry, I don't. I Smile. It may seem crazy but that's the only emotion I know how to make, smile. There's a battle inside me against sadness and joy. 

When there's no one around me or when it's nighttime, I cry in silence. I cry out everything in silence, but I hate crying, I HATE IT! That is one hate I grew inside me, the hatred of crying. I don't want to show weakness, I want to show Smile, but I can't. I want to cry and yell out all the pain, but I can't.

I repeat a grade, I'm going to drop out cause the last thing I want to experience again is being bullied, being laughed off, being talked bad things. I want to cry from shame, from failure, from being the worst Christian. I want to yell of anger at everyone and show that I'm hurt real bad! IS THERE ANYONE WHO WILL UNDERSTAND ME?! DO I DESERVE LOVE AND KINDNESS FROM A GIRL WHO IS A FAILURE AND CAN'T PAST A GRADE OR CAN DO ONE SIMPLE THING WHICH IS SMILE!?!?!?! WILL ANYONE WANT TO BE A FRIEND WITH A GIRL WHO DROPS OUT AND HAS NOTHING IN LIFE BUT PAIN!?!?!? WILL EVERYONE ABANDON ME CAUSE I'M A FAILURE!?!? WILL EVERYONE HATE ME!?!???! WILL EVERYONE LOVE IF I JUST DISAPPEAR OUT OF THERE LIFE CAUSE I'M A BAD INFLUENCE TO THEIR LIFE?!?!?!?!?

...............................

What's this I feel? I suddenly feel calm! I suddenly feel like someone is hugging me and telling me not to worry and know I am here for you if no one will. I suddenly feel like I want to cry because of the feeling of true happiness for that person hugging me. When I looked up, I couldn't see it, it's like the sun came down, but I saw a face, a face that looked gentle and caring. A face I want to see forever. I didn't know who He was but He said, 

" My child, you're not a failure. You may have dropped out of school, repeat a grade, cause lots of trouble but know this, people around you are blind not seeing who you are. People can tell you this and even force you to do something that got to a point of not able, but what I see is my child who is not finished, a child who is about to do things, a child that is going to help others who are suffering like you, but mostly, a child of mine, your God. Rise my daughter, cause you're not defeated, I'm also beside you, even if the world abandons you for being different, I'm always going to be with you no matter what. Don't give up, even if you're about to fall, I'm going to carry you cause I'm your father who loves you. Now, don't be scared, it's okay to cry, let it all out, my child. Smiling is okay but if you need to be sad for something, then go ahead."

Hearing those words caused me to realize that someone was listening, but listening to me the whole time! When I let all my crying out, I started to smile but not the fake smile I always make but a real smile. The smile of peace, the smile I always wanted to make.

I continue to walk the path my Lord God has for me, yes, there've been friends who abandon me and some church friends who are calling me out for making a bad choice, but I remember something, I smile but not a fake smile, but the smile of knowing that God is right there. I'm smiling cause I should not be worried about anything. As my life continues and whatever is up ahead, I'm ready.