kalopsia

the great depression

this is what's bothering me. i couldn't seem to express in words. as of today, i'll try.

i am seated in your favorite café, the little bakery to the opposite of the Treasury bus station. i remember us buying warm coffees while it was pouring heavy rain outside. you were the only math student amongst us and even though you hated it, we'd make you calculate the total amount of what we bought. you never complained.

the song mamma mia came on during my workout session. the memories of us singing off-key to the song at my place while dealing with angely's heartbreak came flooding back. we were so happy back then. i still keep the videos of us singing and dancing to that song. i could hear you bickering with daniel throughout the video. i was laughing at you because you were so comfortable i thought humour had become a first nature to you. now i feel desolated when all the while those flirty lyrics had set us free for quite awhile last year.

i should stop. i should stop telling you about what made me think of you, what made me happy and what made me miss you more than ever after that night. you called me out and you talked in a way with absolute disgust about me which struck me with wonder because of the total unexpectedness. it was so unusual and irrational of you to speak so lowly of me. you knew i was never going to speak to you ever since then.

oh, but you didn't know how much i cried that night. it's been years since i experienced my first betrayal that i forgot how bad it felt like, except this time, without having the upper hand and it is worse. the way you left so suddenly crippled me to the point of having this massive boundary of sharing it with anyone. for us, it's the mutual underlying embarrassment.

after all the connections through k-pop, ballad music, "karen" memes and biology, a four and half years of friendship has died down because of a stupid misunderstanding and the much-involved insecure boyfriend of yours. to you, it was critical and grievous. to me, it's still pretty stupid. i don't remember you ever being irrational or stupid enough to end a long term friendship because of a monkey-faced disagreeable guy and his foolish obedient friends. but i guess that airhead has re-discovered your true self but this time, with a lack of intelligence.

how did you even like that guy? he literally ended his friendship with ours, and now yours.. all because of a photoshopped photo. yep. it is what it is.

till today, no one has asked me about you. you should know that all the things that you think were my fault were only meant to save you from the ocean of depression and self-hatred you are drowning in because of that one person.

good news, i now have given up. you have officially become a great example of idiocy, i'll note that just as you noted my observations as faulty. although i really want to end this lengthy message with a bittersweet conclusion, instead i'll leave you with this—i stand where i stand. if you don't have the mental capacity, not even a tiny bit, to choose your friends who loved you so much over your ghastly "love of your life" who body-shames you from time to time, i am obliged to say so long suckers!

i forgive you.