Alone

Chapter Two

Author's note: This chapter contains material that may be triggering for some people. If you're triggered by suicide, self harm, transphobia, or death, stop reading at the first ~~~~, and resume at the next one.

The living room was a maze of boxes, and not much else. The furniture had already been loaded into the moving van, and Lee's father, David, was carrying boxes out to the car. Lee sat in her empty room. She tried to help, but every time she walked into the living room, she felt like she was in someone's way.

So she sat on the floor of what used to be her room, holding Domino in her lap as she pet his head, occasionally hearing arguments through the wall. The arguments didn't bother her, though; it was the emptiness of her room. It seemed so much bigger without her bed, bookshelf, and desk pressed against the walls. The room that had felt so suffocating before, now felt like a pair of pants that a relative buys you as a Christmas present that ends up being three sizes too big. It made her realize that maybe her room had fit just fine before.

It didn't make any sense to her. Everything she had read said that kids that have gone through trauma needed routine, not moving to the other side of the country. Thinking about it just made her angrier, and made it more apparent that her parents were just moving for themselves, that they didn't care about what she thought about it. Their-- her-- parents wanted to move on and forget what had happened, but not Lee. Lee would never forget, and she didn't want to, either.

Time passed quickly for Lee, so lost in her thoughts. Soon, her dad called for her to come out to the car. She put Domino in his pet carrier and stood, saying a mental goodbye to this room one last time.

Lee carried Domino and her backpack to the car, which was being driven by Ali, her mom. Her dad would drive the moving van. This arrangement was fine with Lee, as her dad would try to talk to her to fill the silence, like there was no rift between them at all, but her mother preferred silence to anything else.

Lee climbed into the car and shut the door behind her, and her mother almost immediately pulled out of the driveway. Ali was back to herself; calm, collected, and ice cold. Her hair and clothes were back to perfect, and she even sat bolt upright while driving, staring cooly at the road.

Lee reached over to let Domino out of his cage, and he mewed and climbed over to her lap.

"Do you have to let that thing out?" Ali snapped.

"He gets nervous in his cage," Lee said, petting Dom's head protectively. Ali gave an annoyed sigh.

"Fine. But keep it quiet."

Lee sat in silence for a few moments, stroking her cat's head, something in the silence keeping her from taking out her MP3 player and her headphones. Finally, she spoke up.

"What’s gonna happen to your job?"

"I don't see how that's your business."

"I don't see how moving wasn't."

Ali sighed again. "We've talked about this, Caralee."

"No, we haven't."

"There is another branch of my company that has just laid people off in Ohio. I am going to work there."

"What about Dad?"

"Why is this any of your concern?"

"I'm just curious, jeez," Lee said, finally reaching over and taking her earbuds out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You walk in the front door, dropping your bookbag on the floor.

"Nikki,"  you call, "I'm home!"  Your sister stayed home from school, claiming she was sick, but you're pretty sure she just didn't want to go. You were met with no answer, which you didn’t think was weird until later. She could have been asleep, or listening to music..

You walk into the kitchen, taking a granola bar from the cabinet. You start to unwrap it as you walk down the hallway, taking a bite as you shoulder your door open.

"Nikki..?" You ask before the door is open enough to see her.

When you open the door all the way, your mouth falls open. You feel weirdly detached, and all you can think is, 'I hope I don't drop this granola bar,' even though you aren't very hungry anymore.

Hanging from the ceiling fan is your twin sister, a kitchen stool on its side underneath her. Her face is bright blue and puffy, and you remember that face earlier in the day, calling you "little sis"-- "We were born on the exact same day, two minutes apart!" was your indignant response-- and giving a mischievous grin when you asked about her skipping school.

"Don't tell Mom," she said. You laughed and walked out the door. As if you would say anything to your mother.

You weren't laughing now. You weren't anything now. You felt detached, as if you were only watching it happen from afar.

You go to the kitchen to get a knife, then come back to  your room to cut her down and lay her gently on the floor.

Once you see her on the floor, you stop feeling detached. The reality of the situation hits you all at once, and you start crying, laying your head on her cold, flat chest. You soak her tee shirt with tears, feeling betrayed. Twins weren't supposed to leave each other, not ever. They were supposed to tell each other everything. Nikki said she was feeling better lately, she said she would be alright. She said "Don't worry 'bout me, little sis," then gave you a smirk and you rolled your eyes because you were only two minutes younger, jeez.

You cry for a half hour before you finally stand up and call your parents. As you dialed your mother's office number, you notice a folded piece of paper on the pillow of your bed. You pick it up and unfold it.

Dear Little Sis,

I'm sorry, Sis, but I've gotta say goodbye. I'm sorry I couldn't say it in person, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you. You worry too much, I didn't want you worrying about me. I just felt unaccepted. I know you and Gemma accepted me, but mom and dad made it clear they don't, and the kids at school did too. I love you sis, and I know you're strong. You can keep going without me.

Sincerely,

Nikki

The note just makes you cry again, and you fall onto the edge of your bed. After a few minutes, though, you remember what you had to do. Call your parents. You were hit with a wave of anger; why should you call them, when they were so cruel to your sister? When their fear of the unknown drove her to death? But reason won out. You hit send on your phone, calling your mother in her office. The secretary picked up.

"Hello--"

"I need to talk to Ali, it's an emergency. This is her daughter." You say, cutting the secretary off.

"I-- one moment, please." You wait for a few minutes, until you hear your mother's voice.

"What, Caralee? I’m working," she snaps. Cold.

"Nikki is dead. She--"

"His name is Nicholas," Your mother snaps back. The anger hits you again.

"Her name was Nikki, and you fucking killed her!" You scream into the phone. There is stunned silence from the other end, and you don't even notice the tears on your cheeks.

"Caralee, I--"  you hang up the phone, not interested in any case she could possibly make in her defense. You sit on your bed until your mother gets home, tears running down your cheeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lee woke with a start, tear tracks on her cheeks. She had apparently fallen asleep during the car ride, but they still had a while to go. Who drove from California to Ohio, anyway? That's what planes are for, and god knows Lee's parents had enough money.

She immediately reached over for her backpack, unzipping the front pocket to make sure the note was in there. Her eyes found the notebook paper and she let out a sigh of relief. She sat back and continued petting Domino.

"How much longer do we have to drive?" Lee asked.

"About thirty-one hours," Ali replied, somehow sounding annoying. Lee sat back with a huff.