I lost my soul today. I kept staring at the wall, laying in a completely dark room, feeling sorrow while listening to mix music to represent my mixed feelings. I can't explain how I'm feeling now, but it's getting heavy inside. I felt hurt and disappointed to be exact.
What else do I supposed to feel when the one that l love kept breaking my fragile heart without even realising it ? Fight for my love ? Well sure, I will. But I'm not going to try as hard as I did before. Not because I don't love him. it's just the part of me is gone, maybe it's the broken pieces of me. I'm not sure where it goes, I'm not sure where to find it. It's just, gone.
I know I'm not like I used to be. The one who determine for everything in life. The one who "I'll get whatever I want no matter what". From "I can do this" to "It's okay, I don't care anymore" real quick. I used to be a super positive person. Well in this moment, I still am, but it doesn't last long hahaha.
Still wondering if I'm strong enough to face this life. I'm tired to be a smiling mannequin. I'm tired. So tired. Tired to face all this shits again and again. I thought this love hate shit will end once I leave my ex crush. But I was wrong. This is so much more hurting than it should be, with my life condition.
I want to ask you, why? why the fuck. I'm tired to cry, yet I'd still cry like an asshole. I hate it. I hate that I'm fragile. I hate the fact that my friends need to think "oh this might hurt her, she might overthink this stuff, she might sad if I tell her this" just fucking stop. Its making me feel worse. I want a transparent friendship. Don't make me feel happy with your lies. I'm tired to face those shits.
And I, I'm just a human. I wanted to be loved. I want to love myself. But I don't know how. I kept hating myself more day by day. I know thuns of people felt annoyed with me, bcs I know I'm annoying. I'm dumb and useless. I don't know when I'm going to stop but I just wanna say this. I love my family, my friends, and that one person I don't want to mention. And I would do everything I can to make people around me to feel happy although sacrifice is what left. Happiness of people that I love is >>>>> matter than mine.
Forgive my wrong doings, I'm sorry for being me.
