Gold/ FaZe Adapt [ON HIATUS]

Chapter 21

Have you ever wondered, about how many people in this world, might be feeling the same as you?

It's currently 4 in the morning, I woke up and now struggle to fall back asleep. Yet, all these feeling I pushed away, are throwing me under the bus. I haven't felt like this, where everything seems to take a huge toll of me, in a long while. I, being so focused on my career, just ignored everything. I knew it was only gonna break me. 

I lay here on the bed, with Alex asleep on top of me. I knew I was going to hit a breaking point soon. Too soon, which worried me because of its timing. With this world championship, it's stressful enough. It can be exhausting, both physically and mentally.

You sit there, on the bench. Knowing how irrelevant you've been in the game up to that point. You push yourself to make plays, get a goal, or even set up a teammate. However, not every game, will be our game. 

Like every day, it won't always be a good, happy, and carefree day. Those are just periods, you have to cherish, and appreciate whatever time you have. No matter how long that period of time is, we should appreciate that we were able to have it. Have those people around, who make you happy. People would lend you their shoulder to cry on, listen to you rant on about life or even the stupidest things. Yet, people can be backstabbing. 

I dealt with it, all my elementary and high school life. I'd see groups of happy friends, that have been friends since they were little. I'd always wonder, why couldn't I have friends that wouldn't just drop me at the end of this?

My family was already rocky. I and my dad don't live with my mom, my dad lives with on my step-siblings. I have my apartment. It was hard for me to find that sibling love too, considering I had 4 siblings who live in their own homes, with their significant other and kids. 

I wasn't too fond of one part of my cousins from my mom's side either, and I could now care less that they just cut me out. And I don't care. I don't give a single fuck. 

Back a couple of years ago, I wasn't keeping my stress in check. Stress is my only trigger for me to become ill. I don't get ill that often otherwise, but that one time I did not keep it in check, made me realize what I'm opening myself up to. 

Opening myself up to all these unknowns, knowing that at the time, I got ill. I fainted in public because I was out with my dad getting running some errands. I woke up a couple of minutes later to see that an ambulance was called and once they arrived, I'm going to the hospital. 

I hate hospitals. 

I hate the feeling of being admitted there. Hate the feeling of needing to be treated, and taken care of. It makes me feel so so weak. As I wasn't taking care of myself growing anyways. 

My dad was self-employed, so I understood his part of working every weekday. I understood his part of him going out with his friends, Friday after work. Saturday he wouldn't work the 9 hours, he'd work 3-4, and come home. Saturdays he let himself off early, and later spend the rest of it with his friends. I understood he'd go with them, just cause he isn't stressed with work or our family. However, that didn't mean he didn't care for me. I wouldn't have made it here without him. Without him giving me the advice of what do to when my mom couldn't stop getting under my nerves and making me feel what she said I was. She only said things when dad wasn't home, she knew my dad always had my back.

She would just work, I've never seen anyone go to work so much as her. Or even want to. She did over-time and use the, "having to pay bills," excuse. 

You all may say, well she does have to. 

Yet, I am not that stupid. I always calculated her bills, she always had more than enough. I never knew what she did with her extra. She always found work more important than me, and the spare time she had, she wouldn't spend it with me. 

She always made me seem like the bad person, the number of lectures I took because of the lies she told her family side was horrible. 

So, my dad would pick me up sometimes, but he is always dropping me off. My mom would forget to pick me up from school until I call her from the school phone. It was embarrassing when I'd walk into the office, and the lovely lady behind the desk would just say, "go ahead." I didn't have to say anything.

Sunday's my dad was home, I'd spend it all with him. yes, he went with his friends on Sundays too, but when it rains, they don't make plans. He and his friends like to get out and lay some sports, to keep active. I'd visit my nieces and nephews on his side, and come home happy I can fulfill some duties as their aunt. Their parents being my siblings, but I'd come home to my mom bitching about me going. She never liked them, she never liked the fact I had a life outside.

What's worse, is my mom-side cousins pick on me a lot. I never stood up for myself in front of them, or at school. No until about 9-10 grade, I met a group of kids and I didn't open up until a year later to 2 of them. They're all still close to me, I found a good group. They helped me stand up for myself, but I can't always have a comeback ready in front of my cousins. Their siblings had their back, I didn't have anyone. I never had anyone on my mom's side. 

When I was discharged from the hospital, a couple of days after my cousin called. She was apart of that stuck-up, rich family. I thought, when she wanted to talk to me, it was the details of the party or as to how I am doing. Yeah, I was wrong.

Instead, she fucking said, "make sure when you come to the party, don't faint."

With that said, I did not want to go to that fucking party. 

My mom said to me, when I was born, I was born a problem. I was a disappointment.

I found sports as my escape, I wasn't that girl she wanted me to be.

I wasn't the girl who would always be a girly girl, always be studying to become something that is typically what parents want you to be. 

I never dropped my friends for her, no matter what she made me feel like. I never changed myself, yet she almost broke me to pieces. I almost stop playing sports, I almost stop using my escape, almost let everything get to me.

And now, here I am. So close to breaking, knowing I have standards to match. High expectations to meet in this championship. I know I can't break at this moment. Although, that feeling of being a problem and disappointment is there. I am such a problem for people, for the team. When I can't make plays, miss a shot, or shoot wide of the net. Disappointment to the team, I was irrelevant to the game. Disappointment to my family, and a problem.

I always wondered, what would life be without me? Would my dad have a better life? Would his relationship with my so-called mom never have broke? Would my step-siblings be better off knowing they didn't have a 4 sibling to worry for? That 4th sibling that did not take their dad away from them? Who wasn't even worth staying for or taking all the toxic shit from my mom. 

A problem for Alex, with my existence. 

I could end it all, like the many times I thought. 

I never did, I couldn't.

I knew I didn't deserve anything I have right now, but me ending myself would be such a long wasted effort for those who did so much for me. I didn't deserve any of them, nor this precious human with me.

I wiped away a few tears that escaped my eyes and got up out of bed. I put a pillow under Alex's head, and another for him to hold. 

Seeing I spent an hour over myself, I changed into some clothes I can work out in. I grabbed my key card and water bottle before going to the gym. 

My escape.