i'm almost me again (she's almost you) • satzu

19

But, as old Swedish legends say,

Of all the birds upon that day,
The swallow felt the deepest grief,
And longed to give her Lord relief,
And chirped when any near would come,
"Hugswala swala swal honom!"
Meaning, as they who tell it deem,
Oh, cool, oh, cool and comfort Him!

-Charles Godfrey Leland, The Swallow.

-

Tzuyu didn't linger in Bridge any longer than dawn, her eyes gritty from a sleepless night spent before the smoking fire, the sour taste of alcohol on her breath as the violet sky welcomed an early sunrise. Emerging from the cabin, she stepped out into the mild coolness of the early morning, taking in the layer of dew sparkling in the first caressing fingers of sunshine peeking over the horizon and took her spot by the tiller.

Ambling along the river, she followed it east and then south, before it bent back on itself, heading west and then south again. She basked in the warmth as the day grew hotter, slumped beside the tiller as she listened to the rippling of water and the song of birds, her mind consumed by thoughts of Sana.

As she sailed along, Tzuyu recalled the long summer days of the June they'd shared, eating wild strawberries and drinking wine so dark it was almost black. Mornings spent walking amongst the dew and the clover, watching as a tangerine dawn swept across the downs and sharpened the edges of the landscape below. She thought of how she'd wished that she could live that life of rainy days spent drinking tea by the window, staring out at the river with a cat curled up in her lap, dancing to old records and reading good books in the sunshine, of the inner peace brought by a rosy sunset and the sounds of leave rustling in a warm breeze.

She'd wished for that life so badly, without even realising that she'd been living it all along. It had been hers for the taking, offered up with an extended hand and the promise of love, and she'd been too cowardly to accept it, to give in to what she truly wanted for once in her life. And now, all she wanted was the feeling of lying on Sana's bare chest and the feeling of peace that had come with it, wrapped up in darkness and silence, listening to her heartbeat as gentle fingers ran through her hair. How Tzuyu had wished for a touch like that. And she'd shunned it at the first chance she'd gotten.

Yet even as detached as she was, trying her best to hold back the floodgates of painful emotions as she let the numbness mercifully steal all feeling from her, she couldn't help but care. She felt separate from herself, existing in that state of someone else controlling her body as she dwelled dormant inside, yet she cared about Sana so much that a pressure burned behind her eyes and her throat closed up.

The river widened as it made its way back east, and she passed a few smaller boats on her way, in a daze as she followed the flow of water as if she had no control over herself. She followed it with little thought to where she was going or what came next, no hope for tomorrow or anything. She just floated along, much as she had through most of her life, waiting for someone to take control for her and give her a sense of direction, of purpose, amidst a sea of nothingness she existed in. Tzuyu felt exactly what she was at that moment, adrift on a boat with no home, searching for something she couldn't quite name.

Sailing all day, she made it to Pegwell bay by early afternoon, the mouth of the River Stour spilling out to the sea, while a stretch of golden sand curved around the bay to her right. The water was a clear turquoise near the shore, darkening further out as the water grew deeper and stronger waves rolled in. The air smelled of salt and there were birds wheeling around overhead as Tzuyu squinted through the harsh sunshine.

It was quiet. The only sound was the waves crashing on the shore, and she propelled the boat forward with her careful steering of the tiller, eyeing the town on the far left of the bay as the coast curved back around. There were a few boats out, bobbing like toys far ahead of her, and Tzuyu's narrowboat drifted through the shallows of the clear water, the sandy floor crystal clear beneath her.