Apricus - Full of Sunlight

Leila - losing to it

Clemi seemed off today. It may have been just me imagining it but she felt uncomfortable talking, with which she usually had no problem when with us. However today she wasn't just uncomfortable but anxious, her green eyes never daring to look directly in ours when talking about him. I wasn't sure if  I were to take it as a good sign but for the time being I hoped it was only good. 

I pushed in the rusty gate to our little house. We have been living here since the accident. It wasn't a palace or anything such but it was our safe haven. As I entered the salon I pushed down the urge to shout out to my family that I was back. I didn't want to upset Mum plus I wasn't even sure if either Jacob or Jeremy were home. I silently crept up to my room  deliberately closing the door with a loud thud, desperately trying to gain my mother's attention in any way possible. A couple of minutes passed by before I heard a groan in the room next to me, slicing through the silence. Then my mum's voice muffled by, I assumed, the pillow. I sighed getting up to go check on her. 

I gently knocked, my previous frustration evaporating. I only heard another moan from the other side. Taking that as my cue to enter I opened the door and walked inside the room. The blinds were down even though it was the middle of the day and there was a damp smell to the place. Glancing at the bed with my mother in it before averting my eyes I strolled to the windows opening one of them slightly to let in some fresh air. The stench was unbearable but I had to swallow my disgust and remember her as she used to be. Not what had become of her body. The body that held me to her chest when I was small. The body that wiped away any sign of tears. The body that was my home. 

That home  is gone forever and will not return. 

I turned back to my mum. She finally lowered the pillow from her face in frustration, pouting like a small child and furrowing her eyebrows. 

I sighed.

'Do you want anything Mum?' i tried to sound cheerful and willing to help because this is what I've been taught still I just couldn't feel but how unjust she was to us. Of course I couldn't blame her but one part of me still wanted to. It was hard. And it hurt. 

Of course all the reply I got was a gentle shake of her head. Fortunately I haven't seen her body in months and so I could only guess how bony and fragile she was. 

I let out another sigh and went to kiss her forehead, but she turned away into her pillow. Tears pricked my eyes but I resisted and left.

I missed her more than anything. I missed how she used to be. I couldn't help myself daydreaming how life would have been if all of it didn't happen. 

Jacob and Jeremy arrived separately home which was unusual. And neither of them said a word. Which was straight out abnormal. 

'How was school boys?' I asked at the dining table that evening. Both of them shrugged continuing to stare at their plates that were untouched. 'Come on. Jacob. Jeremy. Tell me. Really. I am your sister. And we are family. What else do we have?' I tried to smile at them encouragingly although I could feel the tension in the air. Finally Jacob looked up at me. 

'Is THIS what you call family?!' he waved his hand in the direction of the huge table with only the three of us occupying seats. 'Leila! Do you actually think this is how it should be?' he did not raise his voice. It was rather quite but demanding. I caught something familiar in his eyes: pain. The pain of losing to something out of our reach. Something we fought so desperately and still however hard we would try it just flicked us off.  'I miss them Leila. I miss them so much.'

'I know. I miss them too'