I am 15 minutes late.
Cool night time breeze whipped my tousled hair.
My strides were calm and collected, but the frenzied butterflies on my stomach were hard to tame.
I spotted him, lone in a neatly tucked empty booth. His gaze held mine, the intensity boring like flickering sparks of embers doused of fuel.
I held my breath, I was five tables down but it never blurred the idea of breathing the same air as him.
It was a battle of lingering gazes, it was only a fleeting moment but it felt like it lasted a lifetime, maybe even light-years ahead.
I chose to look away. He did too, fumbling over his phone.
Unplanned meet-ups are deemed accidental but, this is an utter and complete risky behavior, an absurd business when the deal was long gone forgotten.
" Sorry I'm late. "
Silent and serene stare shackled my sanity.
"It's okay."
That was all of that, formalities. I missed the friendly banters and brawls which both bruised and boosted our bond. He was silently working on his phone. I needed a distraction so that I wouldn't have the urge to fix his unkempt hair, or tilt his specs slightly to the right, or how I envied his smile like he did now.
The past---was nothing but muted and blurred flashbacks.
I looked at the starlit sky. Like pitch black satin sheets embroidered with soft frills and fringes of muted fairy lights. The wind bellowed hard, the cool featherlight tingle sent sliver of shivers. I heard the tempestuous tides beneath the hanging garden of Zen. It's a famous lovers den at the heart of our city. Overlooking the untamable waves of sea, under the covers of the rehabilitated forest, and a sweet clearing spot reserved for star gazing. Tables were set up, tents build, camp fires ignited only at this time of the month. It's a hanging cliff---townspeople loved to call it the edge of the world.
He's my Zen, and no he never meant peace. That's why I'd like to call him the edge of my world. I needed saving, I sought it from him. I was wrong, because he wasn't my saving grace. I was his but he wasn't mine.
He's more intoxicating than any drug could be. His witty retorts, snarky snide comments, love lullabies, and maybe even his shower songs---i don't really know. I was always meters away, at a distance, someone of no importance should stand.
But there's a gnawing want to fill the gaping hole of unanswered whys and hovering what ifs I'd so wanted to quell.
"Why did you leave? "
I was met with utter silence. Deafening, I heard the faint rustle of leaves and soft murmurs of the wind. We were both staring at the seemingly endless horizons. Both lost in a terrain of twisted thoughts. Under these dark azure skies, deep sea bed of lies, someone mourns and heart cries.
It wasn't a reincarnation of love, it's destruction at its finest, presented at its best.
" I'm lost for words. " Aiden's monotonous voice sliced the stream of silence. It wasn't his playful, velvety sing-song voice that sang songs for me for two years on end.
I risked a fleeting glanced at his face devoid of remorse. Here I am masking all the tremors he had caused. He never even bothered to look at me. It was as if he'd wished to be anywhere but beside me.
"I envied you. " My voice cracked the slightest bit.
I held my tears, bit back my tongue. For the first time since the last hour of silent torment he casts a sordid glance. I took the ear-splitting silence as cue to fill in the gaping hole of unvented questions and obscured answers.
" You were lost for words, but I lost myself. "
I dusted my crumpled gray hoodie. The concrete dike felt empty where I once sat. But with me still sitting on it never even changed things the way they were.
I sat on a place I thought was empty, so I marked it, lived with it, felt comfortable in it. Because it's what he let me feel, like it was my place. Never had I ever known he'd reserved it for someone else.
My tears had betrayed me. My cheeks were damped but I had no courage to wipe them dry. Hiccups started and my breathing came shallow and laboured. My homies said to never crossed the boundary of shame by crying over a boy. More so in front of the putrid piece of phantom.
You know what's disheartening? Is when I thought I mattered enough for him to at least say something, but reality's too far-fetched from unicorns and rainbows that had me plummeting over a thousand notches down from the abrupt high of his intoxicating love.
"Did you even---"
"You were a convenience. "
I skid to a halt. His words didn't sting. They seared right through the core. Killing me from within. The air felt heavier, my breathing was once hitched. Unshed tears blurred my vision. I stood, while he sat, never moving an inch. We were never on the same place, his heart belonged to her while mine was imprisoned by him.
He was oblivious of the pain he inflicted me over and over again. Tricked me with honey-laced words, he lured me with sweet shenanigans and when I was busy falling for it, he plunged my heart with sharpnels and pinned me with daggers.
I knew it was coming, but it doesn't mean to hurt a little less.
