Black Beauties |Admin|

😭

This is sort of a rant but I'm not very sure. I don't know. Please don't judge because I'm not very sure if this is a good idea to write this but people are always telling me to write down my feelings and express myself which I'm not good at...at all...so...

Like I have mentioned before, I am a person with OCD, ADHD, depression, bipolar, and suicidal (though no one knows the suicidal part, not even my mom and i don't plan on telling her.) But there are times when I wake up in the morning and I'm great and i get through half of the day and then i feel like shit. I don't even know if there's a reason why, it just happens. I wake up other days and don't want to talk to anyone or face the day but know I have to in order not to alarm anyone. I have already said something like this in the past or mentioned it, but I have been more suicidal in the past years from around 2016-2018 every now and then because I didn't see a reason to live anymore. I was and still am, very insecure about the way I looked, the way some people said things about me due to the things I was insecure about.

I am a person who is very hard on myself and I am very good at self-sabotage, to the point that I stress myself out if i do something even the littlest wrong or if something is my pet peeve and it's done the wrong way. I mess things up for myself even when I know that I can control thr fact that i don't have to. I take my medicine for depression/bipolar/moods and sometimes forget/don't take them because I have those days where i don't care anymore. I am known to do self-harm during those times and just when everything is going good for me.

I put on shows for people because i don't want my mom to send me away like she has in thr past or call a counselor like she has in thr past just because I can't get myself to talk and just go to thr next sharpest thing next to me or because I don't know what to do with myself because something is probably wrong and I don't want or know how to face it.

I hate crying, I hate talking things out, some times I hate being asked if I'm ok because I hate that question for some reason because it makes me feel like i have to pretend like i feel like i do every day. I want to appear a normal person but i know I'm not. I know my problems aren't to begin to be anywhere near other people's but I don't know what to do anymore with myself and it's kinda sad when I relay it back to myself so...yeah. Heh.

I'm sorry for this. Its just stupid and unnecessary.