Blatant (taglish)

N i n e

A/n: in this chapter, if you want to get the feels, pls listen to Paralyzed by NF. This part is a bit emotional. Thanks! Enjoy reading.

He hopped in the shower as soon as I put on my robe. This is so dumb of me. Wala akong damit and any things with me besides my wallet, charger and cellphone inside my small sling bag. I charged my phone trying to turn it on but it was completely shut down. Glad I at least took my charger anywhere I go.

I dried my hair combing it with my hands, I'll beg him to take me home tomorrow, I'm too tired to deal with him. I slid in the side of the queen sized bed, nagtalukbong ako ng kumot and not long enough I slowly dozed off to sleep.

~~~
"Mahina ka kasi Kate. You always let your emotions get the best of you, magdasal ka kase masyado mo kasi iniisip mga bagay. May mas malala pa sa sitwasyon mo kaya wag kang mag self pitty." She said as she stood up.

And everything turned dark again, every bit of confidence and hope shattered right in front of me. It all went down to instant sadness as well as the tears that started to pour out of my eyes beaming down my face. I never asked to feel this way, and no one did. I have always been depressed, it was always there. And being part of my family, they see it as weakness, fraudulent actions that does not truly exist. Para sa kanila it's all for a show, that emotions can be handled like a pro if you want to. I wish I was a pro like them. But I wasn't. My dad's side of the family always got it all sorted out, Lagi nilang sinasabi na wag ako gumaya sa nanay ko na malungkutin, praning, iyakin, and over reacting. I know for myself I wasn't to blame for, hindi ko kasalanan na nakuha ko maging depressed. That the things they accuse my mother of are signs that she's broken, they see panic attacks as praning, weakness as malungkutin, self pitying as iyakin, and anxiety as over reacting . But this is me. And sometimes it's okay to lose, as long as you get back up and I do that all the time, that's why I still am breathing right now. Everyday is a constant battle between wanting to end it all or continuing a life with people mocking your sadness into acting.

"Pero wala akong sinabing nakaka awa ako la, wala akong sinabi na ako ang pinaka malas na tao sa mundo. Hindi ako mahina dahil umiiyak at malungkot ako. Kaya ako naiiyak dahil lumalaban ako. Kaya ako nalulungkot dahil may nararamdaman ako And thats normal." I said, but no she wasn't there. I actually waited for her to leave. Dahil pag sinabi ko sa kanya yan, she'll just protest and go against everything I said. Because it's always been better to say it in the mirror, atlis magisa ka, walang mag jjudge, walang mangangaral ng false reasons, walang tatawa sayo. Just yourself crying with you. And your pillows to catch the tears and hear your sobs.

"Mahina ka, hindi ka makakatagal sa buhay kung ganyan ugali mo." Lolo added as she saw me cry.

That's the point. Every day I fought against the whispering demons inside my mind that became loud and clear each time I cry, until it was them I grew up with that started making the words I fear for come to life and be more vivid in my life. The people I expected to reach for me and tell me it's fine without further judgement.

There was nothingness, and no one all these time.

I was alone.

I started breathing hard and felt my chest ache so much from all the words everyone spat at me through out the years.

I felt it consume me, the whispered phrases that turned into loud shouting insecurities I carry and cover.

I'm breathing heavily

Dizziness surrounded my blurred from crying sight.

And I shouted back to all the voices.

Only to wakeup in his arms and eyes worriedly looking at me, his face visible from the reflected light of the windows and the moon. His fingers wiping my wet face.

"You're okay, breathe, love" he mumbled still eyeing me as if I'm dying. Well, emotionally, I am.

But it was comfort to feel him tighten his grip on my body. It was comfort to feel warmth while I feel the coldness inside.

I tried to breathe slowly and it was little by little successfully working. He smiled.

"Stay here, I won't be long, I'll just go get some water. That okay?" He said and opened the lamp on, I nodded yes and felt my dry throat.

It was always my nightmare every now and then. It was always the event I run from and try to escape.

He got back instantly, a glass of water on his hand, he was shirtless, no wonder why I felt his warmth.

"Want to talk about it?" He asked, slowly sitting beside me. Taking the glass on my lips, his hand under my chin to support me from drinking. I nodded slowly as I finished the water. He pulled away and put it on the night stand nearby the lamp, facing me once again, worry never leaving his handsome face.

I cleared my throat before starting to tell him what caused me to wake up.

"I've been escaping from something ever since then, My friends was always there to make me feel okay. But besides me opening up to them, there's a lot bottled up inside here. And the constant nightmares from people I thought would care most. " I breathed after speaking. Composing myself to continue. His eyes focusing on me.

I laughed a little before continuing "It's funny how.... you could find the best comfort and feel care from people you're not related with by blood... you kinda create more bond with them. More connection and understanding rather than your own family, well, mine at least." Then I remembered Stracy and Angel back home. They must be worried shit about me.

"I know, I grew up with friends around me. Just a few. I trust them more like my brothers. But, this is about you. Tell me more, your nightmare specifically." He said, tucking a hair strand behind my ear.

"Tell me yours after mine?" I asked, I do really want to know him, I don't know his name yet and here I am in a same room with him.

He chuckled and caressed my face, he moved his body to face me. "I will, I've been wanting to introduce myself properly anyway." He smiled.

Now let's begin the 'proper'.