Log to the end of the world

An Empty Survivor

One of the newcomers gave me this journal thing. He said some girl in the camp started it. I suppose that it's something to help 'lighten our emotional burden'.

I don't think it'll do that for me, because I probably lost my emotions somewhere along the way. I don't feel sad. I just feel empty.

I read over the other entries, even though I know I probably shouldn't have. Everything they wrote was so deep, and I'm afraid I can't match that.

In this world, you can practically smell the sadness. Probably because they're aren't any flowers, or perfume or fear. It's just not there anymore. I almost forgot what a flower smelled like. Or what they looked like.If you told me that I'd forget that kind of thing before the war, I would have laughed and told you to get lost. Nowadays, I wouldn't laugh, but I'd smile, and hug you you for talking, because speech isn't exactly commonly heard in camp. Then again, there isn't much that is commonly heard.

No birds singing, or cars on roads, laughter or music. Most is silent in Camp. Apart from the odd sound of shuffling and footsteps. Footsteps are nice to hear. It means we're moving on, working and picking up the pieces, even though we're slow at it.

I don't think I know anyone here, but at the same time, I know everything about them. Because they're me. They went through the same things I did, more or less. Suffered as I suffered, cried as I cried and mourned as I mourned. In that war, everyone lost something. We all understood each other.

I have a job looking through the things we needed in the newly discovered shopping centre. There's a lot of things. In my old life, I was quite organised, so it's a job that suits me well. I'm not very strong, so I can't help build anything, or clear rubble or develop the camp 'New Hope' in any way. So by organising, at least I don't feel entirely useless.

There were so many things there! Wonderful things that I'd thought I'd never see again. Of course, my times down there were limited because of the stale air. I don't even think of stealing. I'm sure I'd get away with it, and if I was caught, the others wouldn't do anything hat bad to me, but they would be disappointed and I'd probably lose their trust. But I wouldn't do it anyway, because it was wrong. Wrong because someone else might need it more than me, to the point of that one item possibly having the ability to help save a life.

In this world, no one is really selfish. There isn't a good reason to do anything even slightly bad. It's like we're all on a tightrope. One wrong move from one person could cause the rope to wobble and everyone else to topple over too. It's never 'only' you who gets affected.

There isn't much hope in me. I just want my normal life back, but that isn't ever going to happen. I regret not doing things that I should have, like telling my parents how much I loved them, or making up with my best friend, or apologising for what I did to my siblings.

My favour is to resolve everything that comes your way as soon as you can. Never wait until the last moment. Never give yourself the chance to regret not doing something. Because one day, like me, you probably won't get another chance.

P.s. I'm sorry little sis, my greatest bestie, and ma and pa. I'm sorry I'll never get another chance to say sorry.

From the heart (or what's left of it),

-An empty survivor