Starry Skies and Sleepless Nights

I miss you....so damn much

Ha....I woke up this morning and I couldn't seem to find the strength to drag myself out of bed. I spent an hour and a half soaking my pillow with tears. The pain hit me hard today, it's always there but I managed to push it away until it was a dull ache in my heart. I still blame myself for it, thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I had stayed with you instead of going with my sisters and mom, then I might have been able to save you....It's been two years and I still can't make myself believe you are really gone even when I know it's true. I know you are never coming back and it kills me a little more each day because it's a day of memories that you will miss out on. You missed out two graduations already and Snow graduates next year but you won't be there either. You missed out on your son proposing and getting married, you missed out on two of your daughters joining the military and making everyone so proud. You're missing out of the birthdays of your two grandsons and your granddaughter. You'll miss out on your daughters getting married and you won't be there to be the over protective father you're supposed to be....There's so much you're going to miss, Daddy. I want to visit you all the time but I can never make myself go because you are not really there anymore....You're name is there, and it's where we laid you to rest but you, yourself, are no longer there anymore and it only hurts that much more. I miss your smile, I miss your laugh, I miss your hugs and I miss our talks about anything and everything. I miss the way you would teach us things in case we ever needed to survive on our own....I even miss the way you tried to be mad at us when we did anything we were not supposed to. You never could stay mad for long because we would just smile and laugh because we were never scared of you. Why would we be? You were our hero, our protector, our teacher, and our father. You were my best friend and I loved the bond that I had with you because you were the only one who seemed to understand me. I wish so much that I could go back to that night because I would have called you and told you that I loved you and missed you and that I couldn't wait to see you when spring break started. We were coming home, Daddy....we were coming to see you and we were supposed to have so much fun. You left us so soon, so fast and it hurts so much to know that even the thought of how much it would break us didn't even cross your mind. I want you back, Dad. I try to act so strong and act like I'm okay but I'm not. I need you, so damn much and you're gone. It's not fair.....

I'm okay though....I just had to say this and get it out and cry a bit. I'll never be over it, because this isn't something I can just accept and move on from....but I will be okay....