When Being Young Starts Getting Old (Cake)

Chapter 4: A New Pace Saves Face Or So I'm Told

As soon as the door closed behind me I felt the pressure of the room release and tears sprung into my eyes. I leaned back against the wall, closing my eyes as though it could stem the tears. I was pressed with the need to tell someone, to ball up in someone's lap and cry. The thought made a fresh wave of tears wash over me because I knew that the only person I wanted to do that with was Luke. I considered turning back. Maybe he would open the door, see the tears still rolling down my face, and just take me in his arms and promise it would be okay. Maybe he'd wipe my tears and kiss me and beg me to stop crying like he had before I walked out. Maybe he'd let me climb into his bed and rub my back until I fell asleep from pure emotional exhaustion. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't turn to him for advice or support this time. It wasn't fair to him, and quite frankly I wasn't prepared to bare my soul and my every thought about our relationship directly to him yet. I was paralyzed by the realization, lost for what to do instead.

"So, what did Luke do?" The sound of Michael's voice startled me, and I looked over to see him standing in the doorway of his room.

He frowned at the sight of my tear-tracked face as I turned. "Really want to know?" I let out a shaky sigh.

"Do I need to castrate him?"

I smiled over at him, wiping the tears from my face. "Might fuck with the album, can't go rearranging songs this late on."

"Right, come on," he slung his arm around my shoulders and guided me down the hallway towards the bank of elevators.

Michael only waited about fifteen seconds after the waiter set his sky-high stack of pancakes and my waffles in front of us to bring up Luke again. "He was crying, too, when I went out into the hall." I stared at the glass of water in front of me, but the information pulled at my heartstrings in a way that made me suddenly realize how poorly I was handling this. "I just thought maybe you'd want to know that," Michael tacked on when I didn't respond.

"Sure you want to get involved?" I murmured.

"If you want," he matched my tone.

"I kind of feel like I can't breathe when he's looking at me," I mumbled, taking a forkful of waffle but not eating it. It was pretty clear that he had no idea how to interpret that, and I didn't feel like I was even qualified to make the clarification. Part of me just wanted someone to know that this was affecting me, consuming me. I was more confused than I can ever remember being in my life, and I was pretty confident that kissing him all but knocked me off my feet, and that didn't mean nothing.

"What did he do, Cal?" Michael asked the same question again.

"We hooked up the other night. We were both drunk, but I don't remember it and he does."

"Shit," Michael responded eloquently.

"Very helpful, mate." I rolled my eyes.

"And after that?" He was very careful not to seem like he had almost any opinion about it, waiting to take his cue from me.

"There's been yelling, a lot of crying, a fair amount of kissing, and I'm so—I don't know—scared, I guess." I kept my focus intently on my waffles, refusing to see the way Michael was looking at me now that I'd given him a sign about how I felt about the situation.

"Of what?" Michael's voice was so quiet, like maybe he was scared of what I would say next.

"Of admitting that I don't even really know myself, or that I've been in denial, or whatever." My stomach bottomed out as I let that hang in the air. I'd never really acknowledged my insecurities quite so head-on. I was still prodding at the mouthful of waffle that I had yet to make a move to actually eat. My mind zipped across a thousand thoughts, half of them Luke, and I tried to tie myself back to the teetering conversation I was having with Michael. I could feel Michael's unspoken question hanging heavy in the air, like he was screaming it. "I sort of always knew. I mean, I've only ever been with girls, but sometimes if you close your eyes...sex is sex is sex." I felt immediately embarrassed to have said that out loud.