What Happens When You Forget Yourself

And God Said Let There Be Flight

I remember the way I once thought of myself; meek. As if being tiny had anything to do with who I was on the inside, right? Its something so many of us struggle with, and yet we all reiterate it. Claiming we know. Maybe we do.

Growing up wasn't easy. I seriously doubt it ever is, unless you're some spoiled rotten kid. I've always struggled with my identity. To think I could be anyone I wanted to be if I simply tried. (Although, that probably isn't the greatest idea). For me, however, it was such a war. A battle that continued strong, long after I had forgotten. But recently, reality struck me across the jaw. For anyone out there that is struggling with this, I hope we can struggle through this together. Strength in numbers, they say.

Let me start with one basic thing I've constantly struggled with, and its a big one. Its one of my greatest foes; abandonment. Now, when I say abandonment I don't necessarily mean I was left on the side of the road. I don't mean that my parents passed away. I was rather fortunate, honestly. My biological father ditched in the middle of the night when I was four months old. I suppose I never got to know him, but I still dreamt of what he was like. On bad days I hoped he would come home, valiantly, delivering a slight blow to every single thing I faced. I wished he would save me. He was my hero; my favorite star. I wore that like a little badge. But it wasn't shiny, it was scuffed, tired from all the wear and tear. And so I suffered. In that way I can earnestly tell you that my father was my first heartbreak. I'm not sure I can ever let that go, but I need to start facing it.

And so, along with abandonment came rejection. Years upon years of rejection. Honestly, how you could leave something you made. Something you created with another person, a little baby. I cannot even come close to understanding why he left. I think there are some people that aren't fit to be parents, and he is one of them. But he made some great children. 

After I finally realized my hero was anything but that, I ran from it. I ran from the truth, and now I'm trying to make up for all these years.