What Happens When You Forget Yourself

Gaining Control Over My Little Dark Raincloud- A Memoir

 Often, when the word 'depression' comes up, it elicits a thought of suicide and/or self-harm. However, I'm here to disagree with these immediate thoughts. When people see me, I doubt that they peg me as someone with depression. Heck, they don't even peg me as someone with ADHD. Unfortunately, I have both of these. When I was a freshman I made some rather unfortunate choices, which granted, sculpted me into the awesome person I have become, but also had a major impact on my already iffy mental health. I believe that this year in question may have been my first year to suffer from a major depressive episode, but not from mild depression. Often, as a child, I referred to myself as having "numbed" my emotions. Now, I can understand that this could most definitely have been the outcome of emotional trauma, which then snowballed into anxiety and depression, both of which were mild enough to go unnoticed. This, however, does not mean that they didn't influence me in incredibly massive ways, whether it be my choice of friends, or the thoughts that often centered around my biological father. The 'what ifs' that often plagued me. I was bitter, and emotionally numb.. I was scared. I will be candid, even years after my emotional numbing began (which I can remember earliest at the age of 10 or 12), I wouldn't believe I suffered from anything, despite my early-on diagnosis of ADHD. For those of you who aren't as science inclined as I am, my diagnosis of ADHD, then coupled with a multitude of years on stimulants was not too hot for my brain. Already having ADHD gives you a large potential to end up with another disorder, generally anxiety and/or depression, and the likes. My risk factors for simply having ADHD were emotional trauma (due to abandonment), my anxious mother (who also suffered from emotional trauma), both of which paired with the history of mental illness in my family, and wala! You have a recipe for recklessness, impulsivity, lack of motivation, and a whole lot of fun in school. (Yes, that was sarcasm).

 Let me get this straight, however, I am not lazy. I do care about my schoolwork, quite a lot, actually. I'm not stupid, either, and I shan't argue about that, seeing as intelligence isn't even properly evaluated nor tested for, and grades are no prognosis for anything as such. I have had no awareness of my depression, and it continued to get worse as I sought out first bad friends, then emotionally abusive relationships in general, until everything began to add up year after year. Sometimes, when I hit a low point in my day, it's hard to remind myself that I have the control. Depression is like a cloud, and I am the sky (or so I believe I've heard it said). The sky may exist without the cloud. The cloud is minute in comparison to the sky. But, what they don't mention about depression, as much, is you feel hopeless (as opposed to people assuming that said depressed person would simply be suicidal). You feel stupid, and worthless, and feel as if maybe things would be better if you took a bottle full of pills. On top of this, well, you're expected to juggle schoolwork, pass your classes, understand the material, maintain healthy relationships, sleeping patterns and eating patterns, and then to keep your head above the water in an ocean that seemingly never ends.. Add in insomnia, or sometimes too much sleeping. Not healthy eating patterns, eating too little and feeling sick, but not being able to bring yourself to eat more. I see so many kids at school, with bags under their eyes, day after day, they'll make airheaded comments during class, and you can tell things aren't going great (if you know what to look for). These people are suffering and they don't even realize it. I'm sure they feel just as stupid as I sometimes. Depression makes you feel like you're drowning. There were some days, in the worst of it, that I'd sit in the shower for thirty minutes before even being able to move a finger. Internally, I'd be thinking about everything that's gone wrong, and everything going on that would seemingly never end, and I'd be thinking that I need to start moving, but I just couldn't.

 When I first began realizing that I had issues, I was in yet another abusive relationship. How I could have ever liked someone who consistently degraded me, and consistently shared personal information even when knowledgable on how these both affected me, is sincerely beyond me. It's a vicious cycle. It truly is. When I am stressed, I sort of shut down emotionally. I avoid. I don't do my work, even if I know I should, and even if I knew I would that things would get better. With my antidepressants, this has improved massively. I've begun communicating with my family, as well as my teachers. I've begun being more self-aware on the things I truly can be doing for myself.

  For me, it's interesting to see how each of my disorders and the likes interact. My ADHD → Low self-esteem, inability to control my thought direction, impulsive, reckless, trouble relaxing, dysfunctional, random emotional outbursts, difficulty sleeping, generally shy away from massive effort in terms of thinking (basically I don't like thinking about anything that doesn't interest me- also something I have very little control over.. What interests me, that is). If you know anything about anxiety or depression, you can see how these branch off of this. Low self-esteem contributes to anxiety (most of the time I obsess over possible relationship mishaps, and constantly check to see if my crush has answered, and worry that said person doesn't want to talk to me~ Also see: codependency). This spurns my depressive thoughts such as 'I'm a poor student, friend, daughter' or 'I'm stupid and cannot do anything correctly'. And when worst comes to worst, I simply manage to become emotionally numb and seek rather crappy relationships. It's also interesting to delve into how complex each of these is.

  I suppose my main theme is that depression comes in a lot of forms, and not very many people know how to nail these down and figure out why these things are happening. Had someone recognized I had been experiencing a major depressive episode my freshman year, when so much happened, both at school, in my mind, and at home- things might've been different. For about half of the year, I didn't care about anything, I stopped doing a lot of my schoolwork, and scarcely paid attention in any of my classes. I'm sure someone had to have tried, but frankly I can't recall anyone ever saying anything to me. Sometimes when I tell people that I'm depressed, they tell me I don't seem depressed. This is an interesting idea, I don't seem depressed so I couldn't possibly be, correct? Depression doesn't look like self-mutilation, a noose around your neck, hollowed eyes, and a disheveled appearance. Not always. People are entirely quick to say that something isn't correct, simply because the appearance doesn't match their 'knowledge'. It doesn't fit the puzzle, I suppose. Depression comes in more forms than the simple suicidal idealization. I am not my depression, but the person I am is an outcome of a lot- including my depression.