Emotional Turmoil

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by WaitingForMyself

by WaitingForMyself

I feel as if this thing I'm going through, this simple little thing, is screwing me over.

On good days I feel fine, nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me, the thoughts aren't pestering me. My fears aren't ever increasing. Everything IS okay.

And then I begin to think, you know Sam, what if. Just maybe, bare with me, what if you made it all up. You had nothing to complain about all along. And I feel I'm going insane. I don't know how to get out of my stupid brain, and the thing is YOU CAN'T.

Neuro typicals could never comprehend the mental warfare that exists inside our brains. People will poke holes in anything, regardless of anything (much vagueness, so wow). Its life, aye?

But, for me, I don't know what it is I'm struggling with. I'm in a fight with a mental ghost. Turn the corner, he's gone. And its not just ONE day, its every single day. Its every day I wake up and have to decide whether I want to take medications, and either way its going to suck. And I make it suck more about thinking about it, so in the end its just a total suckfest.

And then there are my worries. Constant worries. Imagine a normal person's worries, simple REALISTIC worries, right? For me, I worry about things I have no business worrying about. And I can't shake the feeling of guilt, and desperation. Its constant mood swings, I swear. I don't know WHY. ADHD, Bipolar, anxiety. Lord knows what. I just want to be fine.

So I confuse myself, and irritate myself, and its a battle I'm afraid of fighting, whether for fear of losing, or for fear of effort. I can't keep things straight, and I am a far too intense person for anyone.

To place my worries on another makes me feel like crap. And honestly being anxious about anxiety is probably a cruel thing.

I want to scream, and tear things apart. I want to hurt people, emotionally. I want to feel things. And I want to love, and trust, but I'm so fricking scared. And then it all HAS TO BE PERFECT.

Otherwise I freak out. Its like, thank you Lord. I'm insane. I'm going insane. I'm tired of going insane. I'm tired of trying to help people, I'm tired of waking up every fucking morning just to stress even more.

I'm tired of having mood swings and crying for no reason, and being emotionally distant when all I want to do is love him. And so then I worry "What if I don't love him". What if I break his heart. What if I've been lying this whole time.

As if anything really matters.

All I do is talk about myself. Its really easy to push people away, you know. So easy. Eventually they give up. You can't help everyone, aye?

And so I'm sitting here freaking out about things I don't need to freak out about, and writing about the things I always write about. Wanting to be worse, and better. Contradicting myself. Wanting to try harder, but everything inside of me tells me to test the waters. See how it works. Don't try. Flunk everything. See how far it will get you. Try a little bit harder, everything will go well, aye?

I want someone to hate me, and I want someone to love me. And I want things to work out, but I also don't. I'm not enough, but I am.

Why does any of it matter?

It doens't.

That's all I have for now. 'Tis but a day.