gone

8

that morning, I was woken up by the sounds of a few screaming girls.

I tried to get up, but I was handcuffed to the chair I was sitting on, with rope tied around my waist. there wasn't any duct tape on my mouth, so being me, I started talking.

"dear lord jesus.." I mumbled to myself, referring to the knots tied around my hands.

I looked around, and realized that it was just the girls in the large center room. I didn't see the guys anywhere, they must be somewhere doing satan knows what.

"grace." I whispered across the room.

"grace."

"GRACELYNN ANNE DELARONE." I said, now slightly yelling.

"kendall! oh my god. are you okay? what did that guy do to you? what's up with lijah?" grace bombarded me with questions, attempting to scoot her chair closer to mine.

"grace, are you okay? I'm so scared. last night, after he- he took me into the r-room, he.. he raped me." I said, saying the last part quietly. I was ashamed. I don't know why, because it wasn't even my fault. but I was.

her eyes got really wide, and her mouth fell open.

"ken- kendall oh my god, I'm so so sorry." she said, starting to tear up. you see, grace and I have known each other since we were little kids, and we're really close now. if something happens to the other, we feel their pain for them.

"no- I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry." I said, on the verge of letting the hoover dam pour out of my eyes.

"kendall, oh my god. don't be sorry. you couldn't have done anything else to stop it. and I know you. you're a fighter, I know you tried to stop it. it's okay." but you see, it's not okay. the last time someone told me it would be okay and I believed it, was when I thought lijah actually cared about me. but I was wrong. it's still not okay.

"grace, I'm so glad I have you. I just wish that you weren't going through this." I said to her, letting my tears fall.

"kendall if we don't make it through this, I want you to know that you'll always be my best friend. my sister. I love you so much-" she was cut off by those gang bangers walking back into the warehouse.

"hey hey, look who it is!" they guys said, a few branching off to do their own thing, and the others walking towards all of us girls.

I looked through the group of people, then finally found lijahs face. I had just saw him, but he was already looking straight at me.

I just rolled my eyes and turned my head, now looking at the floor. I wasn't angry. I was absolutely infuriated, to say the least.

"okay boys, you know what to do. you get one hour and then you rotate and get the ready for what's going to happen next week! the one you get next is yours until then!" the guy with the scar yelled.

after he said that, he walked over to me.

he untied my hands, and I felt a stinging feeling go across my face, so hard that I fell off of the chair. at this point, I'm too weak to to anything, so I just lied there, closing my eyes and letting him abuse me.

he soon started kicking me, and began to feel light headed. I couldn't hear anything going on, I could only feel.

after another minute, I felt the beating stop and a warm body lay next to me, wrapping their arms around me. I held my breath, thinking that if the person was going to strangle or suffocate me, I just want to get it over with.

I soon began to realize that whoever was laying with me wasn't trying to strangle me. they've been there for too long to try and strangle me now, if the wanted to do it- they'd get it over with.

I slowly opened my eyes to see no random person embracing me.

"get away from me." I said through gritted teeth.

he lifted his head from where it was buried in my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. it was at this time that I realized he had been crying, but I didn't feel bad for him. all of the crying I went through when he 'died', all of the crying I did last night, all of the times he didn't come to save me when a guy would touch me. a brother is supposed to be the
one to beat up a guy who broke their sisters heart. but he didn't. he was probably out here raping some girl, and living a life that nobody ever knew about.

why would I feel bad for him? he chose to leave. he knew where we lived. he could've come back. but he didn't. he killed our family's happiness, and doesn't even care.

I'm not just mad. I'm furious.

"stop being such a wuss." I said to him, but trying not to cry. I couldn't decide how to feel. I was angry, yeah. but another part of me wanted to start where we left off and jump into his arms again.

"kendall.."

"stop it, elijah." I said, using his full name and saying it sternly. the thing about me is that I try not to let my feelings show. I build my walls up high, but then in the end, I'm left broken apart.

"kenny, I'm sorry.." he said, bringing back the childhood nickname that I hated, but what he would always continue to call me.

"no you're not elijah. for god sakes, I got raped last night, and you didn't even try to make it stop! and don't tell me you didn't know, because I know damn well that you knew what was going on." I told him, letting my anger take charge.

"kendall don't swear." he said, trying to act like the 'best big brother' he was, years ago.

"don't fucking tell me what to do." I hissed at him, venom laced in my words.

in response, he just pulled me into his chest, knowing it would make me mad.

he wrapped his arms around my torso and his legs around my legs, like a koala.
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flashback:

"mommy, look! I'm a koala!" I yelled, jumping onto lijah like a koala. we both just loved those things, and oddly always acted like one.

"oh my gosh, you two are something else." my mom said, pulling her camera out and taking a picture of us, smiling like crazy people.
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I still have that picture, sitting on my dresser at home. if I had to choose one thing that my mother taught me, it would be to remember the good things about someone whose gone, not the bad.

then I started shaking.

"elijah let me go." I said, knowing what was going to happen next.

he didn't move.

"e-elijah now! please let me go!"

"hmm.. no. tell me you love me." he said, making a face that brothers make when they succeed in annoying their little siblings- one of those smiles where they put their heads up and cheese it with their eyes closed.

"e-e-elijah-h" was all that would come out of my mouth. soon after, I started crying. then it came. the screaming, the kicking, and the lashing out. but I think lijah forgot about we kind of incidents, because he didn't move. he gripped onto me tighter. thinking that I was just messing around or joking.

"kendall, chill out!" he said to me, now seeming to get worried.

he must've remembered what was happening, because I heard him whisper "oh shit."

by now, I couldn't really see anything, just brightness.

"kenny, you're going to be okay. stay with me. I just got you back, you can't go now. not yet." he said, doing what felt like buckling me into a seatbelt, then he began to drive off. the only noises that filled the car that day were my sobs and lijah whispering things like 'it'll be okay, I love you.' to me.

I could hear everything, I could feel too. but I couldn't control what I did or speak properly: it was like I was in a coma, but awake, and able to see and feel.

I knew exactly what was going on, and I knew there wasn't any way I could calm myself down with the condition I was currently in.

I was having an anxiety attack.