Blazing Rivers

33

BLAZE

A pounding in my head woke me up. Buried underneath fluffy soft covers made it almost impossible to get out of bed. The unfamiliar room makes me remember the events of yesterday. The heartbreaking four years since my family passed. Waking up today felt different, I felt almost positive for the first time in a long time. Positive for the future. Strolling out of the bedroom and to the living room and kitchen, River stood making a pot of steaming coffee, the smell gravitating through the apartment. 

“Morning. How did you sleep?” He asks, handing me a cup of tea making me relieved that it’s not coffee.

“Fine thanks. Sorry about last night, I don’t know what happened to me.” 

“It’s okay. How would you feel about trying something today?” He send me a reassuring smile, making my nerves about last night fade.

“Like what?”

“We’re going to confront your grief head on.” He tells me with confidence. 

Nodding, I sit down, taking small sips of my tea. Checking over my phone, I notice more messages. Clicking on Nicola’s icon I sent a quick message telling her I’m okay and where I am, I wouldn’t want to worry her anymore, especially because of what I put her through last night. The morning sun shines through the wall of windows, leaving a glossy glow in the apartment. 

After my crying last night I feel partly refreshed, the emotions I’d been holding in for years all coming out at once. Today I plan to listen to River and do whatever he asks, I need to get better once and for all. I know I can’t feel bad all my life. Dressing in my clothes from yesterday, washed clean by River, I go out to the living space where he is waiting.

“So where do you want to start?”

“Sit down first.” He says, pointing to the seat beside him.

 “You’re riddled with guilt from that night, and I want you to let go.” I nod.

Let go.

That’s easier said than done, but I guess I have to try.

“I need you to let go.” He looks at me pleadingly. “I want you to visualise that your family is sitting across from you, I want you to say what you would’ve said if you knew that day was going to be their last, and let it all go.” 

Closing my eyes, I let out a shaky breath, trying to picture my family across from me. Thinking of what to say, I open my eyes, looking across from me.

“Mom, I-I...I’m sorry for arguing with you, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, I didn’t mean what I said you were the perfect mother so thank you. I’m so sorry.” Gazing at River, he nods in approval, giving me the push to continue. “Dad, I’m sorry for not listening to you, I wish I had now. You made me who I am and I thank you for it. I’m truly sorry daddy. Fin, I’m sorry for what I said, you were never annoying and I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. You were the best brother a girl could ask for, love you little bear.” Tears streamed down my face, I glance at River who had a proud smile on his face.

“That must’ve been difficult, but I’m proud of you Blaze, truly.” He says handing me a tissue to wipe my eyes. “I know your parents wouldn’t want you feeling guilty or grieve forever Blaze. So I want you to live, you deserve to, because it gets easier, every single day it gets easier, take each day as it comes. You will always have those feelings, but you can’t let it stop you or drive you over the edge. You’re strong, I know you can get through anything life throws at you.” He tells me, his eyes directly looking at mine.

Spending the morning an afternoon together was refreshing, casually talking about different things. Driving down the road my head sticking out of the car window, the breeze hitting my face, watching as trees pass us, closing my eyes I soak in the relaxing breeze. Heading to the cemetery is nerve wracking, I want to say goodbye, I didn’t get a chance to during the funeral, I hadn’t spoken to anyone weeks after it happened. The whole word was moving around me and I was silent. 

Parking outside the gates, I leave River in the car, him giving me the time alone. Stopping at the stone of my three family members, the three together, I kneel down, placing a porcelain angel on the grave. I read over the words written on the engraved stone, ‘In loving memory of Piper O’Toole, Justin O’Toole and Finley O’Toole, three beautiful souls that will forever be missed.’ I kiss the tip of my two fingers placing it on the freezing headstone.

“I love you, forever and always. I’ll never forget you.” 

Taking a final glimpse, I walk away never looking back.

 

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unedited

I'll probably make some changes in the future but for now this is what I've got.

I'm making an announcement when I get to either chapter 35 or chapter 40, I'll probably do it on my instagram too