1-10-13
You left... I gave you everything, told you everything and you fucking left. I sat there crying on my bathroom floor for hours, I held a rusty razor, I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest.
1-19-13
I want to talk to you, I want to ask why... But I don't. I know better. It's just hard, it's hard pretending to be strangers, especially when we snowboard. I can't shake the memories.
2-1-13
"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else"... Well here I am, under him but I still want to call you. I don't. I kiss him back instead.
2-14-13
It's Valentine's Day, I should be with you... I send you anonymous Hershey's kisses in school but he doesn't know. He hugs me and gives me flowers and chocolate. He still says he loves me but I just can't say it back.
2-25-13
We smoked at the lake behind his house. He spun me around and grabbed my waist and kissed me but I laughed. Maybe it was the high or maybe it was because he's mine, but I'm still yours...
3-19-13
He called me. 4 fucking times tonight to tell me he loves me. It was all slurred and he stuttered. I called him back and told him to put the bottle down and go to sleep.
3-30-13
You text me and you tell me not to end it all. How did you know? You tell me that if I really loved you I wouldn't do it... I set the gun down and delete your number.
4-13-13
He takes me out at midnight to walk the fields and get my mind off of things when I have insomniac nights.
5-29-13
I'm spinning in circles in the field and he grabs my waist and hold me close. He leans down and kisses my nose. I smile, I feel happy. I love him...
6-8-13
He holds me close and makes me promise forever and a day. He says I'm the best thing that's happened in his life. I smile but I had to leave. My mom wanted me home...
6-27-13
We go to a wedding. His tie matches my dress. I don't know these people but he does. I smile thinking about someday maybe he and I will be up there.
7-20-14
The room is hot and smells of alcohol. I hate all the bodies so close to mine but I have him. He wanted me to come. Vodka poisons us as we drink from what's in my hand and dance.
8-3-13
"Happy Birthday Beautiful" I wake up to a text from him. He comes over to celebrate with me and give me my gift. I no longer feel ice cold but instead my heart's on fire.
8-28-13
He holds me in one hand and a bottle in the other. He knows I'm mad as he throws his poison away. I shouldn't have looked through his phone, I wish I hadn't seen that. I tell him I hate him, I tell him to fuck himself as his mom picks us up. I sit as far away from him as possible and I don't hold his hand.
9-12-13
You text me. You tell me I deserve better and that you had the whole world in your hands and you lost it. You tell me your life's not the same without me in it. You say you can't forgive yourself for losing me and for a second I believe you.
10-1-13
The boys I thought ruined my life, I now realize are just scratches on the backs of my knuckles and holes in the wall. I deserve better.
