The Second Cuming of Christ

Chapter 1: Let There Be Light (& Cock Sluts)

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. To populate the earth, They created the animals and then, to most people's chagrin, man. The first man God made, They named him Adam. He was of average height, average build, and had an above-average ego. Some could argue he was the beginning of a long line of douchebags. From Adam's rib, God created Eve. Eve's job, after taking the blame for Adam's mistakes, was to populate the earth and create more of God's children. When there were enough people to inhabit the earth, they spread and created communities, cultures, cities, civilizations, and cock sluts.

Homosexuality dawned at a time when sex became an activity to do for pleasure. The only form of birth control that is 100% effective, after all, is gay sex. Lesbians were praised for their beauty and ability to make women orgasm. Gay men were praised for their confidence and large throats. When God flooded the earth, They didn't worry about losing Their precious homosexuals for it was destiny that man love another man and woman love another woman.

After thousands of years of watching Their creation roam the earth from the heavens, God decided it was about time They took a trip to visit earth. They traveled to Bethlehem. Contrary to popular belief at the time, there were no single "chosen people." For no matter their religion or place of birth, they were created by God in one way or another.

Once on earth, God fell infatuated with a woman named Mary. She was beautiful, and Them being an all-powerful god, age wasn't much of an issue. God took the form of a man to appeal to Mary. Behind her fiance Joseph's back, They bed her and had awesome sex. Before they returned to heaven, however, Mary grew seemingly ill. She became nauseous and sore. It was soon to be revealed that she was pregnant with the Lord's child. God did what any person in that situation would do and told her to lie. The plan was to convince Joseph she was still a virgin but reveal the truth about the child being that of the Lord.

Things went according to plan, and the baby was born and they named him Joshua. The world came to know him as Jesus Christ, however, a name which means "God is salvation," so for storytelling purposes we will call him as such.

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 Jesus walked into the city of Nazareth, the hot sand working its way into his sandals. His robes were brown and made of wool. He didn't stand out in a crowd, but anyone who knew him knew he was anything but ordinary. Jesus was on his way to Matthew's house. It had become a tradition that his group of friends spent the start of the sabbath having fun and, mostly, getting drunk. The boys, in a bout of sacrilegious irony, saw the sabbath as the perfect day to spend hungover and in bed without any repercussions.

"Jesus!" Someone called from behind him. John was Jesus' best friend. He'd been with him through thick and thin. They were each other's rock, each other's shoulder to cry on, in short, they were bros.

"John," Jesus raised an eyebrow at his friend. "What do you want?"

"Why do you always assume I want something?" Jesus looked at John incredulously. They both knew the answer to that.

"I was just wondering what you were up to last night," John shrugged.

"Hmm?"

"Last night," John said expectantly. "I saw you sneaking into Judas' house." Jesus stopped dead in his tracks and his eyes widened.

"No I wasn't," he said defensively.

"Then what's this?" He asked, forcefully brushing Jesus' robe away from his neck, revealing a mark on the crook of his neck.

"Nothing," Jesus pushed John away, blushing hard. "I went over to fix something. I'm a carpenter, dumbass."

"Oh so now he pays you for your services?" John said with a suggestive smirk.

"Shut up," Jesus whined, continuing on his path into the city.

"I thought you two broke up?"

"We did."

"So then what happened last night?"

"I went to Judas' house, I fixed his bedpost, he paid me, I left. Nothing else to it."

"His bedpost?! Damn, JC."

"I swear on my Heavenly Father, shut the fuck up before I send your ass packing to heaven."

"Damn, I'm sorry I said anything," John raised his hands defensively and they continued the rest of their walk in silence.