Reverence

4.1 Imperfect

"The world is imperfect.
Broken. Ugly. Devastatingly disgusting.
And yet."

Sometimes she wondered what dying felt like.

Would it be peaceful? Like sleep on a rainy day, bundled in the blankets of her bed and nestled in precious warmth. Like gazing up at the empty night sky from her little window, contemplating the stories written in the stars and the lordly existence of the moon. Quiet, silent, undisturbed peace.

Or would it be agonising? Like sinners falling from their grace, ripped to shreds by the darkness in their hearts. Relentless torment, endless destruction. Into the depths of chaos, of hell, where the demons prowled and the fires burned, and there existed only grievous agony. The annihilation of bliss.

Sometimes she wondered why life still continued. The world was a madhouse, infested with unappreciative vermin blindly destroying the very Mother who nurtured them. Infested with monstrosities hiding behind masks of skin and flesh, fighting ruthlessly for fleeting control, seducing others to serve with their greedy wiles. They were imperfect. The world was imperfect. Everywhere she went, she would see these horrors, these flaws, the desecration of a land and race once beautiful. And she would continue to lament.

She was imperfect. Existing was a burden. Perfection was unreachable. Now with the world so scarred, so convoluted, a mere, fragile shell of its former youthful glory, living might very well be a curse. A cyclical curse, put in place for time eternal by whatever higher power there was that decided it required sadistic entertainment. How was happiness ever to be achieved in such a world? Where was her solace? Where was her salvation? Whatever she did was meaningless. Futile. Ugly. Disgusting.

Imperfect.

If the only way for her to experience even a glimmer of satisfaction was by escaping from life, then death it was. Regardless of the fear. Regardless of the potential pain.

And yet she didn't.

Amidst the chaos of the realm, amidst the darkness in her heart, she still managed to find it in herself to smile, to laugh, to enjoy life with all its tragedies. Even though she still saw flaws, even though she still saw pain, even though everything would eventually equate to nothing, there was still something that attracted her, something that emboldened her to keep trying, something that granted her the satisfaction she so craved. Something, someone, someplace, that still made her want to live.

The beauty of the Mother, all-powerful, all-loving, still selflessly fighting for Her ungrateful children, bringing blessings to them all. The small conversations with others around her, the ones she dubbed her 'friends'. And their smiles. And their laughs. And their joy. Joy that slowly chased away the cold and filled the void within her with its boundless warmth. Those little moments of pure, genuine happiness that banished the dark and told her everything would be alright.

How could she be so blind?

Even if she could not love herself, not with the imperfections of her being, she could still love those around her. They were her happiness, solace, and her salvation. She could still enjoy their company. She could still embrace their presences in her life. The world was imperfect, yes, but she realised now that not everything was broken. All she had to do was wait. Hold on. Keep trying.

And eventually she would find her light, be touched by it, and be able to live again.

Sometimes she wondered what dying felt like. The requiems of death still lingered. The whispered promises of freedom still allured her. Pandemonium still roiled in her heart. There were days she still wished, oh so fervently, to leave.

And yet she didn't.

"And yet."

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

INFP-T | Scorpio | Aspiring Author | Amateur Artist
Gamer | Weeb | Noob Graphic Designer | Former Volleyball Player

If she were in a Hogwarts House, she would be a
Gryffindor
(but she doesn't really know Harry Potter, so what can she do about that?)

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Aite, what the hell did I just write. Blessed Trina (suwubins) tagged me in this writing challenge thing (idk who the original creators are and am too scared to tag them andkwsjdn) which basically requires you to write one to two paragraphs about yourself like you would when introducing/writing about an OC, then list some things about yourself afterwards (like what I did above, see?). So I thought 'Yeah, this seems fun!' especially after reading Trina's work (bless you, goddess). And this was the end result.

Am I ashamed? Yes. Do I regret it though? No, not really.

I know it's way more than one to two paragraphs (there're at least seven solid chunks of nasty words in there), and it probably doesn't fit the prompt in any way (haha my bad) but it was quite nice to write it. Pretty freeing, actually. It was supposed to go somewhere but it became weirdly personal in an almost worldly sense, and I didn't really know what else to do. So I kinda just thought 'Screw it.' and let it run till it became this chaos of clunky words and odd sentence structures. I have not written anything in a hellishly long time so, as you can probably tell, I'm very rusty.

But I enjoyed writing it, however messy it became! Let me experiment with writing more deep, personal views about things. Some of you might know that I fell into a depressive slump some time back, so I kinda took inspiration for this from that. A good chance to vent a few things out. I'm not so good with the touching stuff, honestly, since some parts of this seem kinda cheesy to me, but this was fun! Hope you guys liked it! :D

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I frickin' love you guys 💖 Go ahead and try it out if you want to!