Write Me a Heartache

1 - Goodbye

He was always there for me in times when I'm sad and feeling down, he's always there to comfort me and hug me, telling me that I will be fine, that I will get through these problems, he was always there when I needed him.

"You know that I love you, I always have." he said.

But I just don't know why I didn't feel the same way he does to me, I don't know why I didn't fall for him, he was everything a woman ask for a man but for me there's something missing, there's always lacking everytime he tells me he loves me, there's no sparks whenever I see him, whenever he holds my hands, whenever he touches me.

There's nothing I've felt but familiarity it was just a platonic love I feel for him, I feel guilty because I can't return the love he deserve so I have to let him go, I can't just lead him on forever so I've decided to tell him what I truly feels.

"I... I'm sorry." he hold my shoulders and look me in the eyes.

"Sorry for what?" he smiled at me but it didn't reach his eyes.

I know he knew what I meant I can see it in his eyes, he's just denying it to himself telling it's not what it is.

"I'm sorry if you have to comfort me whenever I'm feeling sad, I'm sorry for dragging you around when I'm feeling lonely, I'm sorry for not feeling the same way you feel for me, I'm sorry for not lov–"

He cut what I'm about to say by kissing me, his lips are gentle but desperate it's like he's trying to save what was already slipped away, he hold my nape to deepened the kiss but I stop him, pushing his chest away.

He look at me and I saw pain in his eyes, I saw desperation and mixed emotions, I hate to see him like this, he's like a brother to me and a special person for me but he doesn't deserve me, he doesn't deserve someone who can't give her whole heart to him so I have to let him go.

"I don't love you the way you love me." as I said it his tears fell from his eyes.

In seconds I'm in his arms and he's hugging me tightly as if he's preventing me to escape from him.

"I'm sorry, I love you but not as the way you love me, you're special for me and I don't want to hurt you by leading you on, believe me I tried but this heart of mine is quite stubborn. You deserve someone who will love you so much, who will love you more than the way you love me, who is better than me." I pat his back as he cries in my shoulder.

"No... I don't need someone better than you because for me you're the best." he said while he burries his face on my hair.

"I don't want anyone else, I only want you.. Please, please... stay." he stopped hugging me and caresses my cheeks while looking in my eyes.

"I'm sorry, I–I can't..." I hold his hands away from my face and look in his eyes.

"I'm still in love with him, I still can't replace him." he was stunned in his place and silence surrounds us as I've said it.

He looks hurt, tears evident in his face as I let go of his hands and step back, he blinked away the tears his holding back. I turn my back from him not wanting to see his tear-stained face, not wanting to see how I broke him into pieces. I know this is the only way to set him free and letting him go would hurt him this bad.

I wiped my tears as I heard him sob, this is also difficult for me and I know much more difficult for him.

"Goodbye." I said and he sobs hard.

I can't take it anymore hearing him sobbing so I take a step that continously lead to another until I know that I'm far enough. I broke down into tears as I walked away from the place we always hang out, from the person who's always been there for me, from the man who loves me, from him.