Circumstantial

Chapter 20

Dedicated to my husband, my number one supporter and the only man who brings my fantasies to life.
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So, this is how my week went so far; Monday, I called Patrick to apologise for the change of plans and leaving without saying a proper goodbye. I also informed him that I had left a hundred Rand note on the fridge to buy Max and Troy ice-creams. He gave the phone to Mrs Bennett afterwards, and I got to apologise as well as thank her for welcoming me into her home. She accepted my apology and said that I'd be welcome to visit anytime. She went on to say how grateful she is for having me there at her darling Barbie's side. I laughed that one off, saying that Sarah is more than capable of looking after herself, but deep down, Mrs Bennett's words struck a chord, adding to my pain.

Yesterday, after much deliberation, I called Pamela. I could've just avoided her altogether, but I hated being that jerk. You know, the jerk that takes you out on a date, gives you a good time and makes you feel like there's potential for something more, but then, he suddenly acts like you don't exist? Yeah, I was being that jerk. She'd been trying to call me all week, and, of course, I couldn't answer because the last time we were making out on the beach, I kept picturing Sarah in my mind. After cancelling our movie night last Saturday, I hadn't gotten a chance to explain to her my circumstances. I finally had the balls to do it, and boy, did she let me have it. So, I apologised to Pam and said that I was actually bound by an agreement to a lawyer who hired me as her pretend boyfriend. That set off a lot of derogatory words. She eventually accepted my apology, but not before calling me an asshole, amongst other things. She was fresh out of a relationship, and I screwed up her perspective of men even further. I think she might end up a lonely old cat lady a few years from now, thanks to me. Yeah, so that sent me into a pit of self-pity and I'm still feeling the effects of it today.

That brings us to today, which is Wednesday. So this is what it's come to. Look at you. You pathetic, disgraceful hobo. Are you gonna show up on your first day at work looking like a hippie, sumo-wrestler hybrid?

Staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror adds to my unhappiness. I run my hands over my face in shame. I look... fucked. I haven't shaved since the wedding, so there's some stubble along my jaw. My eyes are dull and there's bags under them. Topping it all off is my attitude. To put it in Kate's words; I've lost the zest for life. I haven't visited the gym since last week, which will have disastrous consequences because of my food intake. I've been dragging my body around like a zombie, not giving a shit about anything.

I reluctantly put a dab of toothpaste on my toothbrush and begin brushing in slow, lazy circles. Why does my brush feel like a twenty pound hammer? Why do I have so many teeth? Life seems so pointless right now. In an effort to keep thoughts of Sarah from crossing my mind, I slap my free hand sharply across my cheek. Snap out of it! A flash of memory makes my predicament all too clear. I recall a conversation a couple weeks ago I had with one of the regular gym guys, Josh. He had said; 'She'll bring out the best in you and make you feel that life is worth living. But make one wrong move and you're fucked. I'd die for her and I'd die without her.'

It all makes sense now. So much fucking sense. My life is supposed to be falling into place. I've successfully supported my little sister through university, and she's now independent. I've finally got my dream job, and I've got the charm and a killer physique that gets the ladies attention. I should be living every bachelor's dream! Yet here I am, sulking and feeling shitty about life, all because of one... LAWYER! I can't even say her name, God damn it!