Clueless (H.S)

Chapter 18

*play this little clip when you see the + sign* Yes u must do this.

short chapter sorry guyssss

Today was a bad day. I was relapsing. Even though Harry and I were in a good spot, hell he just yelled at Taylor that I'm his, I couldn't help but fall into my deep dark hole of self loath.

It happens a lot. I'll climb up a monstrous mountain to finally get to happiness, just to fall off the cliff again. It's almost like I tell myself I don't deserve to be happy, I convince myself I'm not supposed to be happy. That I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be freed of this hatred I hold for myself.

Since birth, I have been trained to think I'm not good enough. I'm not worth it. I'm not special. I don't deserve happiness. I'm a mistake.

When you hear those toxic words over and over again throughout your entire life, your ears fill with poison, leaving no room for words of love.

So here I am, in the bathroom, trying desperately to clean out the poison in my ears. The poison in my mind. But the truth is, I can't. I can't stop the poison from deteriorating my thoughts. Killing my self-confidence and hope for love. Even self-worth. I convince myself I'm not good enough over and over again because that is what I'm used to. The only way I've learned to cope with my poisoned mind is my trusty sharp friend. My blade.

I sit in front of the toilet on the cold tiles, tears down my face, mascara streaks tattooing my face. Whimpers and cries left my face as I thought to myself.

I felt so shitty. I realized once Harry said I was his I felt happy. The happiest i've ever been. I felted wanted. But for some reason my own mind hates me, and I hate myself for that.

So I did what I had to do.

cut

I desperately needed the feeling of release and pain. I needed to forget.

cut

I want to be happy with Harry and that means I needed to do whatever I can to push these thoughts out of my head. I get so annoyed with myself that nothing will be physically wrong with me and I'll just feel so sad sometimes.

cut

I sat peering down at the mess I've made. Feeling numb as blood trickled down my arms and made a small pile on the tile floor. I dropped the blade from my hand and choked out another sob. My eyes are red and puffy and they felt like they were burning. I feel exhausted. So empty. Like I have nothing left in me. No energy.

I go through the same vicious cycle of pain every few weeks. I work so hard to get to the top of that mountain just to fall off on the other side. Screaming and crying on my way down. The feeling of uselessness and worthlessness consuming you as you fall. Not caring what pain you're about to endure when you hit the ground but screaming and crying at the fact that it won't stop. It will never stop. The constant poison feasting inside your mind, self-love deteriorating.

I struggle to stand to my feet because of how much blood I just lost and the fact that my vision is still blurred with the tears cascading down my face. I manage to grip the side of the counter and kneel. I let out a shaky breath before I pull myself up. I felt weak. I am weak. Instant dizziness flows throughout my body but I'm just strong enough to keep upright. I close my eyes and breathe, relishing in the silence. A brisk moment of peace flooding through me.

It's not that I'm not happy with Harry. I am. God am I happy with him. He's made me feel things I didn't know I could feel in such a short period of time. He's corrupted my body. I know from my past I have issues. Real big fucking issues. I just get sick to my stomach thinking about them and how Harry doesn't know a single one. Harry doesn't know my past. Harry doesn't know about my poisoned mind. Harry doesn't know. He's clueless.

I flutter back to reality and turn on the sink. I carefully rinsed my bloodied wrist and hands. I lather the soap in my hands and massaged carefully. Not really paying any mind to this as it has become a routine. I dry my hands with a plush towel hanging behind the door and turn to face the mirror.

I see the bags under my eyes. I see the dried tear and mascara stains. I see the red rosy puffy cheeks. I see the parted swollen lips where my whimpers and cries came out. I see the eyes of a broken girl. A tired girl. A hopeless girl. A clueless girl.

Over the few years that I've been cutting, I wrote a song. A little song that helps me float back into the real world. A song that makes me feel ok again even if I'm not ready to go back out there with a fake smile on my face. It reminds me that I am stronger than what my poisoned mind leads me to believe. This song saves me from self destruct sometimes.

I look back into the mirror as I begin to sing.

+

"Know that you are good enough"

"Please don't give up when things get tough"

"I know, I know, I know, I know"

"Won't you please stay here"

•••

After the last few tears fall down my face I take a deep breath and turn to walk out of the bathroom.

Only to be face to face with a broken looking Harry. Shock etched over his face with tears of his own in his eyes.

//

A/N

hi. yes i'm sad. please vote :(

hope you had a good day

TPWK
- Harrissexyashell

<3