Are You Afraid of the Mark?

On Your Marks

I'm at the SHOPPING MALL today. All me favorite places under one roof!

J. Crew!
J.C. Penny's!
J.R.R. Tolkien Official Hobit®️ Merchandise Store!

But why's such a commotion a-brewing up yonder? I wonder? Let's investegate....
It is the opening of a NEW SHOP. How exciteful!
"Hey what's even going on here?" I ask a fellow 'mall rat' gathered before the shop stage.
"Grand opening with celbrity guest! Mark Wahlberg is here today!"
Wow Mark Wahlberg! I cannot believe my luck that I get to see Murky Mark today! Satisfactory vibrations!

"Ladies 'n gentlemen...... give it up foooooor Mark Wahlberg!"

Marcus Wahlberg jogs up the stage! He playfully pretends to hit the announcer in the face to make him flinch BUT he doesn't really hit him because Mark is just a cool guy who's just playing around bro! Come on can't you take a joke bro? What's wrong with you bro? Just trying to have some fun here bro before you got your panties all up in your panties bro!

"Okay listen up you pathetic mortgage-paying nutmunchers," addresses Mark the crowd, "nah I'm just kidding. You guys are alright." Everyone laughs and revels in this confident magnetic alpha energy that Mark brings to the table.
"I KNOW you all like my burger restaurant Wahlburgers®️...." says Mark and the crowd says "Yes!!"
"....so you cockbobbing toelickers -just kidding- are gonna LOVE this. I proudly present..... Markmallows®️! It's Mark Wahlberg's first marshmallow restaurant!"

Big cheers all around! Celebrity restaurant founded on a middling pun??! Awesone!!

"Now for this special occasion I challenge one of you overweight homosexuals to marshmallow eating contest!" shouts Marky Mark.
"Whoooooo!" the large mall gathering whoooooos. How delighting! And fun!
"Hmmm let's see...." Marko sands his muscular hand on his strong stubble jawline, "how about YOU?!" and he's pointing at ME!
"Oh thanks Marky Mark but I don't think this challange is for me" I decline politeful.
"NO??" shouts Mark with agressive eyebrows. "Is that perhaps becase.... you're a PUSS*Y AS BITCH? Perhaps??!"
"No Mark Wahlberg I'm not a 'pus*sy ass* bitch'" I reply.
"Then prove it! Unless you're a WahlBITCH!!"

And now the entire crowd chants 'WAHLBITCH WAHLBITCH' at me.
"Okay alright fine I'll EAT the mallows with Mark!" I relent.
Smug Mark Wahlberg, middle school bully in a ruggedly attractive man's body, grins now. "Yeah, I knew you would cave to PEAR pressure....." he grins, "because you're a a FRUIT."
The whole shopping mall laughs so hard at this inpromptu celebrity roast.

I climb the STAGE.... sit down at the TABLE... huge PLATE of 100 Markmallows before me....

I'm ready for this Duel of the Plates with Darth Wahl

Mark says: "First one to clear the plate.... wins the starring role in motion picture 'Lone Survivor 2: Survival in the City'!!"
"But Marky Mark I don't even want to star in 'Lone Survivor 2: Survival in the City'"
"Well don't worry...beacause YOU WON'T star in 'Lone Survivor 2: Survival in the City'! You homeless chumpanzee" unkind Mark Wahlberg guffaws in me face.

Let's just get these silly event over with. Marshmallow eat contest starts in

3....

2....

1.........

GO!
Marky Mark snarfs down the 'mallows VERY fast. I look at him, quite rather impressed.
"Whaf you STARING AT, clown dog?" angry competitive Mark says, punding 4 marshmallows in his handsome mouth, "I'm BEATING you easily!! Are you even TRYING?"

"Hmmm..." I pick up one Markmallow and twirl it around.

"I'm alrudy already 60% DONE!" screams Mark Wahlberg. "What an PATHATIC challenger you are!!"

Now I pick up the whole plate and SLIDE it in my MOUTH. 100 markmallows. PLUS plate. Gulping it up DRY. The shopping mall falls silent.

"Wow what hey what hang on-" befuddled Mark Whatberg stummers.
I do a 'talk to the my hand' gesture and RIP OFF my jacket, revealing a white tank top and HUGE MUSCLED ARMS. Now I do 25 pull-ups! Say 'hi' to ya motha for me!!!

"What is GOING ON, I don't unders-" before he could even finish I pretend to PUNCH Marky Mark with my STRONG FIST and he flinches so hard like a scared man. Which he does!

Everyone now laughs and cheers for me! I put on my Ed Hardly cap backwards and I do a breakdance! And also many push ups! Mark 'I still use Windows Vista' Wahlberg sits HUMALIATED in his tiny little chair.

"I I I I just don't unders-s-stand...." he, stupified male of small stature, whimpers. "....who a-a-are you....?

I do a DOUBLE BACKFLIP and thwick out my COOL WALLET on a CHAIN. I show befuddled Marky Mark my driver's license:

MARKIEST MARK

Moral of this story: there's always a Markier Mark!

The End

That's Wahl, Folks!
say 'hi' to yamotha for me!!