19 || h.hj

32: i wont be there

"As you all already know, your secondary education is coming to an end. That should not be an excuse to not study. I expect all of you to keep trying your hardest to maintain your grades. With that said, I'll leave you all to your self-studies," their homeroom teacher said before leaving the classroom. The classroom erupted in conversation once the teacher fully left the room, topics such as their plans after high school or how they would miss each other.

They were finally back to finish off their last year of high school. The last stop before entering adulthood and officially leaving the point of "youth". Some are ready to take that step, to take a leap even, while some just directly avoid it. It was something people at 19 had to decide.

"You're the only one staying Korea between the three of us," Jisung turned his chair to face Hyunjin and Seoyun. Jisung had decided to go to Berklee in Boston to study music and pursue his goals of being a music producer, it was a choice between staying at the music company he was in or going to college.

"Thinking about it, most of us are leaving Korea," Seoyun said. "Only you and Yongbok are left of the five of us," she turned to Hyunjin.

"Do you guys plan on dancing still?" Jisung asked.

"Of course! It the only fun thing I get to do after both of you leave," Hyunjin pouted as he rested his chin his girlfriend's shoulder.

"I'm sorry I won't be able to go to your future competitions," she cupped his cheek to pull him closer to her face. It was then when she fell silent. Their voices began to muffle in her brain while they talked happily amongst themselves. Somehow, she managed to not show an ounce of worry on her head while her mind screamed out the horrible truths of their future.

It wasn't just his competitions she would miss. It was him. It was everything about him. His voice after he wakes up from a nap, how messy he looked after practice, his smile whenever they go out to eat together, his little giggle when he plays with Kkami, or his warmth when he hugs her. She would miss all of it.

The day passed with her trapped within her thoughts as she compiled lists of things she shouldn't have been thinking about. The nighttime fell quickly, as quickly to a person who has no awareness of the world around them can feel like.

But that moment, that moment where everything would have to change, it was coming for her, for all of them. It was an inevitable change for them, for who they were going to be in the future. She just wanted a little more time to spend with them. She just wanted more time to stay 19.

"Everything alright up there?" Hyunjin asked as he lightly tapped her forehead.

"Yeah, I was just caught up in my thoughts," she said.

"Do you mind sharing?" He tilted his head innocently.

"It was stupid, I shouldn't have considered it at all," she waved herself off.

"Nothing in that brain of yours is stupid," he took a hold of her hand and held it tightly.

"A lie, I have a list to prove it," Jisung muttered to himself as he listened to their conversation.

"I was thinking about all of the things that I would have to leave," she said. "How much I would miss so many things here in Korea."

"Like what?"

"Like this," she pulled up her notebook to cover their faces and gave him a quick peck. His face became a blushing mess then looked away quickly while she laughed at him. "Look at me so I can remember the face you're making right now," she pulled him to face her. His face and ears were red and constantly avoided her eyes while she tried to take pictures of him.

The last bell of their self-study rang as a signal for them to go home or study some more. They chose to go home. It was an unspoken rule for them to walk home together, to just have a little more time together, and it was a unanimous decision for all of them.

"I shouldn't have been friends with people older than me," Jeongin said as he kicked over a pebble with his hands in his pocket.

"You could just say that you'll be sad to see us leave," Jisung teased.

"No I won't, shut up," Jeongin mumbled.

"You're too cute," Seoyun tugged on his arm and attached herself with him then pinched his cheek. Jeongin usually hated being babied by his friends, but today he let them because he knew that they wouldn't be able to do it soon.

"How am I supposed to pass math without you?" Jeongin leaned his head against hers.

"You're a smart boy, I know you'll be able to handle yourself well," she squeezed on his arm tight.

"But I don't want to," he whispered for only her to hear.

"You're too cute," she repeated herself then pinched his cheek one more time, maybe the last time.

"Time to give me back my girlfriend so now it's
my turn to coddle you," Hyunjin pulled Seoyun off Jeongin and replaced her grip with his. "Will you miss me too, Innie?"

"You're staying in the country, the school you'll be attending to is a 45-minute drive away from my house," Jeongin said.

"Still, you'll miss me right?" Hyunjin asked cheerily.

"Yeah sure, I'll miss you," Jeongin pet his shoulder.

"You've been quiet lately," Seoyun whispered to Seungmin who watched all of it from the back.

"There's been a lot on things in my mind lately," he answered.

"My mind has been a little full too," she said.

"Uni stuff?" He guessed.

"Yeah, you too?"

"Yeah."

"They'll still be here when we come back, I hope," she laughed at herself to fill an awkward truth within her.

"Don't say that. You know they'll be here," he said.

"That's how life for us was supposed to go. We knew this was going to happen and no matter how much we tried to prepare for it, it doesn't make it hurt any less. We just have to live with it," she said.

"And we'll do great in whatever life has in store for us," he put his hand on her shoulder.

"You're right," she smiled.

"When was I ever wrong?" He laughed at his own words then walked faster to talk to Felix.

"You know," Hyunjin spoke up as he took a spot next to her, "I'll miss you too."

"And I'll miss you," she took his hand and placed a kiss on the back.

"I'll miss you more than anybody here," he said. She leaned her head on his shoulder without saying anything else to just enjoy him at that moment. She stayed silent for the rest of their walk till they reached the door to her home.

"I care about you so much that it kills me not knowing how you are all the time. I want to be here to take care of you and be there for you all of the time," she paused to hug him and bury her face into his chest, "it's selfish of me to want you all for myself, but I just can't imagine letting somebody else have you."

"I'm yours, and only yours, so don't worry about anything else other than being mine, because you're mine, and only mine," he softly pulled her away to cup her cheeks into his hands, "right here or a thousand miles away, you're mine and I'm yours."

She was speechless. There was no correct string of words in her vocabulary that could explain what she felt when she looked at him. The perfect thing to say didn't belong to her dictionary, but she had to say it because that was what she truly felt.

"I love you."