The Meal

Intermezzo

Futile, I cannot put my hand to glass, touch the black mirror and peer into its depths. Each letter glows white, my hands are ice, slowly melting. The frozen blood drips. My hands warm up, the blocks are removed, the tomb uncovered. He has returned.
My mind is blank. The story I once told myself is burning to blond ashes in defiance.
Gripping, grasping, tearing, tearing up, a well starts to form, the monsoon is over, floods in deserts, droughts in oceans. What arc can save the sodomite and antichrist.
Messiah, god, Jesus, are you here or are you there? Are you everywhere. I need a crystal ball.
Why... why... why... why... why... why... why?!
Hell has another circle, a ring around my finger, the marriage is dead before it begins. Weddings and wedding bells are so funereal.
I cannot love another. Like he likes me like I like him, like...
I cannot, can never.
Can I? I wish. Would you? No way.
Screeching in my mind, where can I scream? Lock me in a padded room, drive me insane, torture me, please do, I welcome you.
Bend the ruler some more. Snap it! Snap! Where is the tape. Glue? Have you any? I only need some for a pre-broken heart!
Insane, unsanitary. Don't touch me don't kiss me stop that no thank you ugh. Don't talk to me I hate you fuck off weird bitch.
I am ice and I pray for snow. Maybe if I pray harder I can go to heaven. If I pray harder still I can make this hell. Where is their suffering?
I'd kill them but no. I'd kill to be able to love. What is this chemical imbalance? Stop it breeder.
I can't read all of this.
I won't read any again.
The mind is watered, seeds grow inside. Cancer is there, and my chest burns. Cut me all over my face, what's the difference? Ugly ugly ugly bitch, burn it all to smoke. I don't wanna see that!
South America, why not? My preferred homeland. Chile? Child...
Scream scream loudly scream. Effie could've survived, but I am forced to. Kill me before now please!
Where is god god god damn I hate hate hate this all I hate my true loves I hate my best friend enemy I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I'm mad insane crazy crazy crazy for him Jesus.
My chest still hurts.
My icy heart I put it back in the freezer so you won't be eating it for breakfast wait for it to defrost. It's been burned a few times though.
God me fuck me god fucked me fuck this fuck you fuck you fuck you.
Fuck fuck fuck.
There is no control. The fast signals of my mind fire in an unlikable way. Where is the end? So many dragons.
Bravery? Never heard of it.
How can I learn to be a normal human. But acid in my brain just above the ear make me a zombie I don't care anymore. I don't wanna die I just don't wanna live.
I'm fading away already. Look upon the white and glowing words and realise the facade of your melancholic pointless cosmic existence!
I cannot say I have not loved him but I cannot say I did. 300 words between us maybe? I guess I just like psychos but he isn't really one, he's just is one for me...
Nope nope nope. He doesn't like me, I don't even like me and I'm me. God doesn't even like me and he made me. I make art and throw away the trash.
There's a way to go yet. What a nice person he is. What a well and truly thoughtful person.
God damn horse hates him or something. He's not cool though, but neither of them really are. Are you going to Oxbridge? Make friends with all the jocks, bitch. What you wanna be a masseuse or some shit? How interesting... oh well, I guess you make more money than me but then again I have "integrity" but where is it? Not quite here yet. Oh work experience you say? You really fucking need it dumbass weird bitch fuck you I hate you tell him that for me, but don't make it sound too mean he's only a fucking idiot. Oh my god he's so attractive though if only he wasn't so inferior!
Like I'm meant to be fucking superior god fuck it
Too much written. Ice is melting quicker, slowing down decelerating quick. Maybe there's nothing left to write in the world! Maybe there nothing left to write in the world... maybe there's nothing left to write in the world?
Why do you think you're better than me? Is it the hetro I hate or the homo in me? I just want a homo in me! I could get one in a second but what does that make me? A ho!
Fuck me fuck me don't be shy I won't bite unless you want me to unless you're him or him or...
It's all my fault not hers but still fuck her kill her bury them both together that's what they want right? I'd rather have just never seen him again than know the truth. I'm worthless so fold me into the crevasse of your wallet and forget about me. Young girl? Typical of what I see you as. I will never see you again.
Your eyes are brown. They are like a puppy. When I loomed in them I used to see my love and self-respect. Now I see self-loathing, and will not look again.
Don't expect me to look again.
I don't wanna look again. Not ever again.
Four words how do you do it how do you release a flood on four words? Turning tides and tsunamis for lunch. What a lovely third... fourth... fifth... little aperitif you were, maybe an intermezzo in a Ferris wheel of life's pain and despair. Look upon their god's love and despair! Look at me and no love ignites nor remains.
To love is to know pain, the pain make life worthwhile - hell no, it's the pleasure to get us through it - hell no, it's god. It's death. It's birth, rebirth, afterbirth. Someone cut me open any take out the...
Kill me.
Oh wait you already did - oops!
Cause I'm in fucking hell.