Sleeping Dogs Lie

Chapter Ten

It is strange to be in my room with Freya, but without Daniel.

When we came back to our room last night after that strange supper in the cavernous room. Freya and I slept together in the bed that Daniel was in when they first dumped us in here. The pillow still smelled like him, and I was surprised to find just how much that made me miss having him near. The white cinderblock wall that I lay facing, sleepless last night was all that separated us. The knowledge that he was probably on the other side of that wall, thinking of me and Freya, too, and missing us just as much as we missed him, made me miss him all the more.

How could I have been thinking for so long about wanting to leave him? About how easy it would be?

It is not easy to be separated from him by this white cement block wall.

Freya didn't understand, either, why Daniel can't be with us at night any longer. And I didn't know the right way to explain it to her. How to explain the roles and conventions of polite society, which, I suppose, apply in this place. We've made up our own rules for so long, that's the only society she's ever known. I guess it's the only society any of us have ever really known, aside from what we see on old movies and TV shows.

So I told her the reason Daniel can't live with us in the same room any more is kind of like Little House on the Prairie, and how Laura and Manly can't live together until after they're married. I try to make her understand that the people we live with now have rules, and because Daniel and I aren't married, we can't live together. Then she asked me if Daniel and I would get married so we can all be together again, and I didn't know how to answer that question. I suppose I should have expected it from her, but it took me off guard, nonetheless. And it makes me feel selfish. As though it is my emotional handicap alone that is keeping us all apart.

I do miss Daniel. But when I think about the deep, forever kind of love that my mom and dad had for each other... If that's what it takes for me to have Daniel back in my room, I don't think I'm ready to make a decision like that at sixteen. If I'm honest with myself, I don't know if I'll ever be ready to make a decision like that.

So I was as honest as I could be with Freya, and I just told her that Daniel and I are too young to be married, and that's why we have to live apart. She seemed to accept that answer, and didn't ask a whole stream of difficult follow-up questions about my relationship with Daniel. Freya's at that age where difficult questions are her forté.

But still, the whole discussion disturbed me for the rest of the night. The whole concept of love and loving. The thought that I'm just incapable of fully giving someone – anyone – else my love.

To add to my list of disturbing developments that rock my world, while we were at supper in the dining cavern last night, someone was in my room.

When we got back, there were two new digital clocks in the bedroom. A large one over the bathroom door, and a small one with an alarm near the bed that Freya and Daniel slept in that first night. No doubt, these are meant to be a helpful tool. I had to get Freya up for school this morning, and that little one by the bed screamed at me plenty loud and made sure I had lots of time to wake her up and get her dressed and ready.

But the knowledge that someone was in there without my knowledge really creeps me out.

I get Freya ready for school, and at exactly seven forty-five, a woman in a light blue jumpsuit stops by my room. She's leading a good-sized herd of suspiciously quiet children in an obedient little line behind herself.

Reluctantly, I send Freya with her, but not before I've told her at least eight times that Freya has trouble staying awake. That it's not her fault. That she was sick when she was little. I just want that woman to understand. Blue Jumpsuit assures me with a bland smile that she does, but I'm positive she doesn't. I don't see how she can. I keep feeling the back of the Hulk's meaty hand cracking across my cheek, and I am positive that they're going to punish Freya because she won't be able to stay awake for the whole day. That they'll see her sleepiness as some form of disobedience.