It all started with curiosity. At first, Im completely clueless to what this world is all about. Im completely clueless to what will be its effect. Im completely clueless that it will change my world, that it will change me for some circumstances, that it will affect me and my daily life, that it will change everything about me and my world. It changed me big time.
Oppa, do you know me? Of course, I know you'll say, "You're my fan". Yes you're right. Im your fan oppa, im your die hard fan, im your avid fan, if there'll be #0 fan, i'll be that oppa. Im your everlasting fan oppa.
Oppa, Im not the kind of fan who will attend every concert, im not the kind of fan that will go to another country just to watch your concert, to attend your fanmeeting, to watch you on your musical, to have a meet and greet with you, a fan who will follow you everywhere.
Im not rich enough to buy you iPhone, to buy you the latest gadgets, to buy a star for you, to give you a gold, to give you a signature bags, shoes, shirts, accessories and sometimes underwear.
Im not rich enough to buy all the versions of your album, to buy all your original merches, to collect every album you release as a group, sub group and solo. To buy a magazine which came from another country, to buy the things you endorsed.
But oppa, im a fan, the kind of fan who will be happy enough to avail an album, whom budget came from my daily allowance. Im a fan who will be happy enough to have a local merches. A fan who prints your picture and laminates it. A fan who will buy a cheap poster and posts it in the wall so that I will see you everyday.
Im a fan who had nothing but a wifi in house and im actually thankful for it. Im always updated, i know your everyday schedule, I know it when you'll have your comeback or another activities. I know your guestings and when will it be available overseas, not to mention with english sub.
Im a fan who will open an account on every sns that you have for I will be updated by you directly.
Im a fan who will like, fave, retweet and reblog your every posts even though I dont understand it. Im a fan who will tweet you good morning and goodnight everyday. Im a fan who will flood you with my I love You.
At first, Im a fan who will be contented just by staring at you on my phone screen, watching you from afar by the means of internet. But I guess, that was me 7 months after I became your fan.
Because after those months, I realized, this aint enough. Maybe I got too addicted to you, to the point that I save every pics of you, on the airport, concert, pics of you on your entertainment bldg., pics of you with fans and stuffs. I even save fan made chibis and fan arts. I also started shipping you with your members, hoping and praying that it'll be true.
Im too addicted to you oppa until one day, someone asked me.
"Why you love kpop when you cant even understand a thing?"
I told him it was because of music. It WAS music who brought me to kpop. Yes it is true but as I looked back, no it's not just music because as time passes by, I realized, its also you oppa who brought me to kpop.
You and your looks, your killer smile, your tantalizing eyes, your perfect pointed nose, your reddish lips, your perfect jawline and ehem, your body (up and down).
But I started questioning myself too. "Am I only attracted to you just because of your looks and ehem body?"
My question was answered by a certain photo. A photo of you with your devastated face in short, your derp photo.
Thats when I realized more, no, im not attracted but im deeply inlove to you, not just with your music, not just with your face but you as you oppa. I already love everything about you. Maybe because I spazzed so much and discovered that everything about you is just so lovable.
Oppa, I know that I should know my limitations. I should know my limitations as a fan. I shouldnt have fallen deeply inlove with you. But how?
You are so admirable. Yes, you are talented, you have a heavenly voice, you have a handsome face. But not only that, you have a very good heart.
You treat as not a fan but as your friends. They say that we have a relationship that others are envious of. You will go against your boss just so you can protect us. You will still get the fans gift eventhough someone is stopping you already.
I remember, you asked us one day "What did you do to deserve such big love?" Oppa, you dont know but you already did something. Something that makes you deserve the love.
Oppa, I thought, I am mature enough because im not like others who will go bashing and dissing another groups so that I can protect you. I thought Im mature enough because I can accept it whenever you dont win in a certain awards. But Im wrong.
Im blinded by my feelings for you oppa, I thought that when you call us "girlfriends" you mean it. That you only love no one but us your fans. But I guess its all wrong.
Im not mature enough to accept this. This? That you'll have your girlfriend someday, that you'll marry someone someday, that you'll have your family someday, that you'll leave our world so you can focus on your family.
Im not mature enough to accept that someday you will be with someone not as an Idol, not as an entertainer, not as an artist, but as a husband to your wife and father to your daughter.
Oppa, you onced said that we shouldnt see oppa as a man on our fantasy but as a man on our reality. Im sorry oppa, but I guess I just disobeyed you.
I tried to forget oppa but I just cant. Cause the more I tried to forget you, the more my feelings grew bigger.
I love you oppa to the point that Ill smile just by seeing you as my wallpaper, whenever I hear your voice. I love you to the point that I forgot to love myself.
Friend told me.
"You know them, you love them. But they dont love you, they dont know you, they dont even know that you are existing"
I just smiled. Why? Because my feelings for you are still bigger than their opinions. Eventhough Im hurt, I still manage to smile because of you oppa.
Im not a fan who is rich enough to give you everything but Im a fan who is loyal enough who will stay with you forever.
I love you to the pits of hell, so walking away from you is torture for me.
I already forgot that you'll marry someone someday not until that day, that day you announced to the world that you have a girlfriend and after a while, you announced that you'll marry her. W/c made me and my fandom cry.
Oppa, do you hear us? our sobs? our silent sobs? I am silently and secretly crying. Me and my fandom are shedding tears because we are hurt. We felt betrayed. But its our fault afterall.
Im sorry oppa, I always say that if you're happy with something, I will be happy for you too. But how can I be happy now?
Im sorry oppa, Im sorry, I just cant be happy with your happiness. I know, Im your #1 fan, I should be happy and supporting you. But I just cant.
Now that you already found your girl, I should be happy because oppa is happy but instead I became so immature. I hated you, I bashed you, I almost gave up. My fandom is hurt, my fandom is crying, my fandom is at war, everything is so miserable that time. But then I just realized
Afterall, Im just a fan. And this is reality but I guess reality slapped us so hard.
Thank you oppa for preventing me from drowning. Thank you oppa cause you woke me up, thank you oppa for the happiness you gave us, thank you oppa for working hard for us.
I forgot to love myself because im so into you. But because you woke me up, I promise, I will start loving myself. Just as how I love oppa.
Dont worry oppa, I already made my vow before. I promised that I will not leave you, that I will stay with you forever.
Yes I will, but maybe not the same way back then. From now on, Ill see oppa as my Idol and not a man from my fantasy.
Remember this oppa
"The girl may not be on your side forever, but I, a fan of yours will stay beside you forever. Thank you oppa"
From:
A fan who realized the difference between fantasy and reality.
