Blood Peonies (Who Made Me a Princess)

A Gilded Cage is Still a Cage

TW: self-harm, panic attacks, psychological trauma and abuse

Bel gasped as she woke up, shaking hands pressed into her eyes as she tries to control her breathing. She could still hear ringing in her ears and her heartbeat is so loud. Calm, you're fine, you're safe, safe, safe,safe...

She breathed deeply, trying to calm down her heart and her incoming panic attack to no avail. Her chest hurts, it's difficult to breathe, she could feel the knife; she could feel the whip. Her sweat trickled down her neck and it felt just like when blood dripped down her skin. Her breath stuttered.

It's getting harder to breathe.

Her limbs are shaking.

Please help me...

They feel like they're drowning.

Who are they? What..?

Their chest feels so heavy; it hurts, like someone has stabbed them in the chest, aiming for the heart. Her heart hurts.

Help...

They started tearing at their hair; they scratched at their arms. It felt like phantom touches. They. He. She? Who?

It wasn't enough, they couldn't hear anything except for their heartbeat. They looked around and tried to look where they are. Dark. It's too dark. There's something in the dark. A shadow moved.

Help me

___­

Eriole woke up at the crack of the dawn, as usual. She goes around the duchy to prepare to serve for her lady. Preparing her Lady's breakfast and tea, and the water for her to bathe with, it's what she has been doing in waiting for her Lady since she was four. It was routine, and nothing really deviates from it since her Lady is the type who follows a strict schedule.

There is an exception though.

Eriole walked up to her Lady's chambers and knocked before entering. What she saw, made her close her eyes in pain and despair.

Sheets thrown around, the books and papers scattered around, glass shards everywhere and blood. There was blood on the sheets and on the floor. Eriole's eyes widened and looked around, looking for her Lady. She couldn't find her. Where is she?

Then she saw her at the corner of the room, in a nook between the bookshelf and the window. Her Lady is asleep, but her sleep looks troubled and she looked exhausted. Her eyes have dark shadows and her skin is pallid. Her arms are bloodied and Eriole can see a dagger flung a distance away from her Lady as if she threw it away in desperation. Eriole felt her eyes watering at the sight.

She approached her Lady, while treading carefully around the glass shards on the floor. And crouched in front of her. She looks exhausted and her rest was no reprieve. She brushed off her Lady's bangs and as she suspected, she was running a fever.

My poor Lady Bel...

___

Ugh... I feel horrible. Bel didn't want to open her eyes. But she knows that she has to, and who knows how long she has been unconscious this time. Another attack. It's plenty normal for Bel to have these attacks every now and then. But at least now, they're getting less frequent. Maybe I'll be free of this torment soon, Bel muses to herself.

It has happened since she was young, since her Training started. She never really got any help for it except when Eriole tends to her in the aftermath. Back then, she used to have attacks for almost everyday and had been a terrible wreck for almost all of her childhood. The Training persisted, though, until she felt herself getting detached from herself and numb from her pain. But she still felt the pain. A paradox in itself. Didn't they say that you gain tolerance for something you always experience? She wouldn't really call it tolerance in her case, more like, her threshold for it just got higher until she breaks.