Mini Reids

Before You Go

"My thoughts have destroyed me more than my blades ever could."

Unknown

~Em's POV~

Once I left the note everything was cold. The handle to the bathroom door, cold. I watched myself pull the door open, a shiver running up my spine The bathroom floor, cold. Every step I took, numbed my mind and body. The air I was breathing, cold. Every breath I took I knew would be one of my last. My heart as I looked at my reflection in the mirror for the last time, cold.

I watched, out of control, as my body frantically looked for anything in the bathroom that could do more damage than a razor. When I found it, it was all over. Reece and I kept a knife in the bathroom 'just in case'. The thought of her caused the pain to hit even harder. Slowly, I stepped closer to myself, my body shaking and sobbing on the bathroom floor. The closer I got the warmer I felt until all at once, I was back in my body.

Staring at the knife in my hand, I began to sob even harder then before. Memories clouded my mind, not of people but of pain. The past months of me crying myself to sleep, sneaking off just to make my pain physical, any and every moment filled my vision, all blurred by tears. Now, I wasn't thinking of anyone but myself. Myself and all the times I could have done better.

I didn't want to do this. I wanted a chance to fix everything, this would only make things fall apart even more.

"Em?" A knock sounded on my bedroom door, dad. My thoughts immediately snapped back to the metaphorical train. Hit yourself or get hit. As my bedroom door opened, before I could give anything a second thought, I decided that I was not about to get hit by the metaphorical train again. I moved the knife across my wrist. Dizziness came with blood which came with voices in my ears. I let them come. My thoughts echoed as the room grew darker and darker. Before I left one last voice came, followed by the door slamming open.

"No! wait!"

But I was already gone.

...

~Reece's POV~

Everything almost felt numb. Almost because I was sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by my family, people that I loved, all except one. I had never felt more scared, more at fault. But at the same time I felt so numb.

I spaced out, staring at the surroundings in the hospital, everyone seemed to move so quickly but yet time seemed to go by so slowly. The rest of the team crowded into the waiting room, tearing me away from my thoughts for a brief moment.

"What happened?" JJ asked, clearly her and the boys had been crying on the way here. Everyone looked like they had, but they all seemed to be trying to stay strong for my dad and I. Not that it mattered. I only needed one person to stay strong right now, and that one person had already given up. The world around me became fuzzy again, the people who had once distracted me, now surrounding my dad across the room.

"Reece?" Morgan sat down next to me. I felt the pressure in my throat beginning to build, a tingle in my nose rising. He hadn't even said anything yet. I shrugged in response, acknowledging that I heard him but I did not know what to say or how to react, especially not without breaking down.

"What are you feeling?" He asked calmly, his arm pulling my head against his shoulder. I thought about the question for a second. Honestly I didn't know what my feelings were. Numb with overwhelming pain. Sadness, but at the same time I had never felt more at fault. How was I supposed to explain that?

"It feels impossible," I whispered. Finally letting the first tear slip. "She left a note." I said, thinking about how I might never know what her last words to us would have been, dad refused to let me read it.

"Honey she wasn't thinking clearly when she wrote that," Uncle Morgan sighed, "Whatever it said, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but whatever it said I don't want you to think too much about it okay?"

"That's the thing. I didn't get to read it." I began to sob into his shoulder.

"I know it doesn't feel like it baby, but that might be the best thing right now," He began rubbing circles on my back, maybe it wasn't as comforting as it usually was but at least I could feel something.

"What if I never know what she was thinking? She could have written that in her last few minutes here and I'll never know what she was thinking. What if I could have helped? I just want to know what she wanted to say to us. She wrote it for a reason, whatever it was, it was something that she used her last few moments on this fucking planet to tell me and I can't even listen to her. God I never listened to her," With every word that came from my mouth my breathing got more and more uneven, my voice breaking with every breath, the world seeming to speed up as more and more tears formed in my eyes.

"She loved you, that's all you need to know right now. No matter what happens you'll get through it, it'll get better." 

"No. No!" I yelled, catching the attention of everyone else in the room. "People say that, and it's so fucked up! No one actually knows if it gets better, you don't. Don't lie to me. You're only saying that because you hope that It'll get better. We all do but the truth is we don't fucking know so don't lie to me!" I yelled, surprising everyone with my sudden outburst. He opened his mouth to respond but my eyes jumped to the doctor that walked in the room, everyone else seemed to do the same, all of us wanting nothing more than to hear that she was okay. I wanted nothing more than to go apologize for everything.

The doctor looked between all of us, the longer I looked into his eyes the more I began to dread the words that would come from his mouth. I don't know what I'll do with myself if she doesn't make it out of this.

"We can't say anything for sure yet, but right now it's not looking good. We have as many doctors and nurses working as we possibly can but right now they're projecting that she's not going to make it."

"Something still exists as long as there's someone around to remember it."

Jodi Picoult