Dirty Jai Imaigne
could see how the party could be fun for everyone else, But it wasn’t for me. I was feeling so insecure, like everybody was watching me, judging me. Whenever I glanced at someone they would quickly look away, talking to their friends.
I sighed running my fingers through my hair as I leaned against the stairs. Staring across the room I could see Jai, beau and Skip talking to a group of girls. It seemed as if nothing could wipe the smile off their faces. I really didn’t want to ruin their fun.
I could feel my eyes start to burn, fighting back the tears I walked up the stairs to the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror I tugged at my straggly hair.
“Why are you so ugly?” I whispered my reflection, drowning in self pity. I heard a knock at the door and quickly wiped under my eyes.
“Y/N?! We’re leaving c’mon.” James called from outside the door.
“One second!” I called back, splashing some water on my face, concealing the fact that I was so upset.
I put on the fake smile I put on everyday, and walked out of the bathroom. James grinned at me and put out his arm. “Let’s go!” We walked down the stairs and beau drunkenly stumbled towards the front door.
“Babes!” He started laughing “Where were ya?!”
I smiled back, “Just in the toilet.”
Jai came up and clapped Beau on the back.
“We ready lads?!” Everybody nodded including myself before we walked out and piled into the van.
“At the end of the day!” Luke and Skip sang from the back and the boys began laughed. I forced a smile before looking out my window watching the city pass by in a blur.
“Are you okay, love?” Jai leaned over and placed his hand on my thigh, I looked down before looking up and nodding. I quickly looked back out the window, scared that I would start crying again.
We arrived at their flat in no more than 10 minutes. They all stumbled out, pushing each other and making jokes.
Skip, luke, beau and James organised there sleeping arangments. I was left with Jai. Jai, the guy who I blindly fell in love with within days of meeting him. The way he grinned and his eyes would crinkle, how whenever. How he loved toys and deep songs, staying at home and watching movies, ordering food in and cuddling. I had deeper feelings for him than he ever would for me, and it tore me apart.
We walked into his room before he handed me sweat pants to put on, I slipped them on and took off my jacket, revealing a tight tank top. I looked down wishing my boobs were bigger.
Jai crawled in wearing plaid pyjama bottoms and nothing else, he swept open the covers and raised his arm.
“Y/N get it!”
I crawled over the bed in defeat, and snuggled into the chest that I knew like the back of my hand.
“Settle down with me, cover me up, cuddle me in.” He sang to me. He knew any Ed Sheeran song relaxed and made me sleepy. I shut my eyes as hard as I could, a tear slipped out but I didn’t move. I didn’t want him to know how utterly depressed and unhappy I was.
He fell asleep within an hour, but the need to self harm was biting me to bits. Itching beneath my skin. I lifted the blankets carefully and moved as silently and lightly as I could, not to wake him.
I went to the downstairs bathroom, I didn’t even realize the tears streaming down my cheeks before I looked at myself in the mirror.
How could you fall so easily for him? Someone who can do so much better than you? You’re nothing. You’re ugly.
My mind yelling at me, I stared into my own eyes with hatred as the mascara ran down my cheeks.
I opened the cupboard to find a razor. Hard and cold and sharp between my fingers.
I slid down the wall and looked at my wrist. It’d been awhile since I’d done it. A few years.
I took the sharp razor to my skin and dragged it across, watching the blood leak out. I gasped and then bit my lip. My eyebrows furrowing together, my vision blurry.
Sobs were now wrenching from my chest. I watched as I cut again and again, the blood dripping down onto the white tile.
I didn’t hear Jai call my name, or knock on the door. I could only hear a ringing in my ears, and see the blur of blood and my wrist.
I didn’t see him until the door burst open.
I looked up, not even thinking to hide my wrist. Not that it’d do much good.
I watched Jai’s face contort in pain, and shock.
“Why?” He whispered, falling to his knees in front of me and ripping the razor out of my hand.
I was speechless, the only sounds that seemed to slip out of my mouth were “I-I.. I”
“Why would you do this?!” He yelled
I began crying harder.
“I’m nothing.” Was all I could get out.
He grabbed me and pulled me into his arms, hugging me so tight I thought I might break.
“You’re everything.” He said into my ear before kissing the top of my head.
“Fuck Y/N. You’re everything to me.”
I could hear the lump in his throat.
He took my face between his two hands. Looking deeply into both my eyes.
“I love you. I love you so much. Don’t ever do that again! Why!” He stuttered, all of the words slurring into one.
He grabbed a wash cloth and pressed it to my wrist, wrapping it up tight.
He kissed me hard, before hugging me tight again.
That night I promised to never cut myself again, and he promised to love me and never keep his love from me again.
