J & P Book 6 - Remember Me And Smile

Chapter Sixteen

If you're reading this, and Lucia has carried out my instructions correctly, then it's been a year since I left you.

You're probably wondering why I didn't want you to have this letter until now. A year is a long time for anybody. And I guess it must have been a long, hard year for you.

But the last time I wrote a letter to you, before we got married, it was a letter to say that I was leaving you. And as soon as you read it, you got straight up, and you came to get me back.

You can't do that this time. I wanted to be sure you knew that by the time you read this.

I don't want to upset you any more than I already have. I thought if you had this earlier, you'd be confused and distressed. By now, you should hopefully have your head around everything that's happened. There's another reason I thought a year was a good time to wait, which I'll mention later.

I've written a few of these letters to you. There's one to follow on your 40th birthday, by the way. I'm actually writing this a few weeks before your 38th birthday. I'm not so sure I'll still be around on your 39th birthday, so you should get this letter first. Lucia will have all the instructions. There are letters for Andrew and Grace too, and one for Mum. But you'll find out about those in good time.

I had thought about doing video messages instead of writing letters. This letter has taken me days to put together, waiting for when you're not around to write it, getting everything neat and how I want it. It would have been easier. But, I'm not looking my best at the time I'm writing this. Although obviously better than I look at the time you're reading this, before you point that out. Sorry, perhaps that joke was in poor taste. Anyway, I know I've never really felt that comfortable with my appearance, but I can acknowledge that a few years ago, when we got married, I looked so much better. You'll want to remember me like that, not how I looked in these last few months, so I'll spare you from the painful reminder.

Anyway, this is what I wanted to say to you. I'm sad to say I'll never get to know what's happening in your life now, a year after I left it. But I want you to use this opportunity to think about it, and my hopes for your future.

I want you to be happy, Jen. Whatever makes you happy, whoever makes you happy, I don't mind. I don't want to think about you moping around the house with your photographs and memories. If you want to see the world, then sell the house and do it. If you want to fall in love again, go for it. You might not be ready now, but people often say to me that people who are bereaved tend to need a year to go through all the stages of grief, and then feel ready to move on. Another reason for giving you a year before you got this letter.

So, if you're thinking about making any changes to your life now, and you're not sure where your loyalties should lie, please know that you have my blessing. I know you'll put the needs of the kids first, but believe me, they'll just want the same for you as I do, for you to be happy, for you to make the best of your life to come.

You filled the years we had together with love, and joy. You gave me two beautiful children. You owe me absolutely nothing. Before we got together, I could never have dared to dream what was in front of me. All I saw was an uncertain future. It's confession time now, Jen. I always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I'd get this cancer, that I wouldn't survive it. When I left you, after everything that happened, I told you it was because I was too afraid I would hurt you again. And now you know what I was really afraid of.

I didn't think I would be around long enough to look after you, to give you the life you deserved. Imagine how hard I found it listening to the Verve album with you – even that first time, listening to The Drugs Don't Work was difficult. I don't know why I've never told you this before. I guess I could never find the words. Putting them on paper is easier.

Anyway, my point is, I always wanted this for you, for you to be happy, for you to find someone who can look after you now I've gone. Whoever that may be. There is one obvious candidate, of course. I know he made you happy when I wasn't in your life. Perhaps he could again. But that's up to you.

Something practical while I think about it – if you want to look at the files I've got saved on my laptop, the ones I showed you in the hotel, then you'll need a password. It's 020901. I think you'll know the significance of that number. That date seems to stick in my mind for some reason. Also, there's a box in my office, second drawer down of the filing cabinet at the back, with the things I kept from that point onwards, I had nobody to hide them from after that.

I had to write this letter now. I know that some days I'm starting to feel a bit muddled and confused. I can sense my moods changing sometimes. I don't think it will be long before my mind and body start to deteriorate and shut down, and I won't be able to express myself as clearly.

My views on what comes next for us after this life are very different to yours. I won't go into this here, all I'll say is I'm hoping you'll prove me wrong; and that we'll meet again someday. Until then, I want to share another song lyric with you. You might not know this one. When I lived with Linda, she had a mix CD that she'd made of her favourite bands and songs. I don't know what the song was called, or who sang it, but this lyric always stayed with me. I always thought of you when I heard it, because we were apart back then, like we are now. Maybe you could ask Linda if she can remember what the song was called. Anyway, this is my request to you.

"If you remember me in a while, that's enough. And if you remember me and smile, that's enough."

It really is enough. Go and live your life, in the knowledge that I loved you more than you'll ever know.

P x