Back to You - Sequel to Locked Away In Heart

Anatomy of Pain

Suraj's PoV

How do you measure pain? Is it measured in moments, the weight of tears, the heaviness of the heart, or the twisting in the pit of the stomach that seems to burn like fire and spread across the body? I guess, for me, it would be the twisting in the pit of the stomach. I felt my insides twisting as I sat in my bathroom retching invisible food in the toilet. My head feels light and my body felt even lighter. I felt thirsty and hungry with my vision blurring due to blackout. 

I woke up on my bed with man, papa, and Jiya looking worried at me. "Where is Aman?" That was my first instinctive question. "He left long back," maa replied with a certain amount of sadness in her voice. "Maa, I am hungry," it's amazing how the human body can crave for food at the most undesirable times. I should be worried about Aman and Chandni, but here I am worried about my food. My mind should be working overtime to take stock of the situation, look for possible solutions, or in the worst-case scenario maybe... Maybe prepare for an eventuality. But no, I need food. 

I kept looking at the wall ahead of me, it had a collage of frames with pictures of all the near and dear ones. Maa, papa, my friends, extended family, and surprisingly Chandni and Aman. Chandni is my favorite human it is a very well known secret and Aman is her love so he found his way into my life as a friend. I might have looked at Aman as someone who stole my chance at happiness at the beginning but now when I look back at the past years I realized why it was possible for Chandni to get over me and fall in love with him. he is a good guy who likes to make new friends and keep the old relations alive. He goes the extra mile something most of us fail to do. 

He is a good man who deserves good things in life and not the cruel play of destiny. Life is unfair - very unfair. 

Maa walked in on me as I sat there looking at the pictures. "Your favorite," she handed me a large bowl of cookie dough ice cream. "Thanks," I smiled at her gratefully and patted on the place opposite me on the bed. She sat there patiently as I finished off my ice cream, licking the bowl clean - just like that, I was back to being a 10 year old. Keeping the bowl on the nightstand I looked at maa with hope and she didn't disappoint me. I kept my head on her lap and her fingers found her way into my hair. I closed my eyes, trying to find some peace and then all the walls of my patience broke down. 

One tear escaped my left eye and slide down my nose to right above my lips. The next one followed soon from my eye and soon it was a free fall of tears without a barrier. Men don't cry - I reminded myself but tonight the tears won't stop it seems. I felt like someone ripped the bandaid without warning and the stinking pit in the stomach and fire in the whole body returned with vengeance. How will I face her? I am not strong to face her or hold her through this period. My self-doubt was getting better off me when maa decided to speak and put some sense in me. 

"You know Suraj, life is all about choices. At this moment you can either choose to be strong or you can walk away like it doesn't bother you. Whatever you choose, no one will hold it against you." I silently let her words seep into my mind and my heart. "Can I ask you something?" She doesn't need to ask me permission for anything and I conveyed the same to her. "Do you love her?" Wasn't it obvious? I thought as I replied in affirmation. Maa wasn't convinced, "let me rephrase it for you - are you still in love with her?"

I don't know. I love her, I know that. But, was I in love with her? I don't know.

"Take your time to think and come to a conclusion. But, there is something you should know when you are deciding," maa sounded serious, "there is a girl in our guest room. She came to this city with great hope on your invitation and now she is confused if she should still keep hoping or let go." Maa stood up to leave my room, she stopped by the door and spoke without turning, "whatever your heart decides, I hope it knows what it will be breaking in the process. Always remember Suraj that selfless love is bigger than any other love. She will get over you eventually but maybe you will lose again in love for the second time."

Jiya! I know she is talking about her. After Aman told me about his condition, I kind of forgot about her. I didn't go to the airport to pick her up, neither did I answered her calls when she kept calling me repeatedly. It was maa who took the phone from me and papa told her the address. She was angry when she walked in but she realized things weren't pleasant and she mellowed down. 

I remember her soothing me when I was down and out in the bathroom. Standing by me silently as I kept staring at my lost love and her husband's picture. She has been silently standing by me and loving me when I failed to acknowledge her. I don't know what happened but even maa and papa seemed to have liked her in just few hours because maa never favors anyone without a good reason.

I know she is in love with me - the realization made me see her in a new light. 

I walked down to the guest room which was next to the family room. The house was silent and bathing in soothing moonlight that escaped from the curtains. The guest room lights were on, Jiya was awake. I knocked on her door but got no response, instead the door creaked open a bit. I walked into the room to find her standing on the attached terrace looking at the stars. 

I couldn't help but a smile escaped my lips watching her indulge in her favorite activity - looking at stars and making shapes out of them. We would spend hours laying on the beach in Mumbai looking at stars as she would make weird shapes and tell stories about them. Her imagination ran wild and I couldn't help but be amused and amazed. 

"Hey, babe," I called her. She turned and smiled at me but her smile didn't reach her eyes and I guess I knew why. "How are you feeling?" She asked but I choose to ignore her question as I felt it was important to answer her unasked question. 

"I am sorry," she was about to stop me but I held her hands and continued, "listen kid! It's always going to be you and me against the world. I need you to know this and always remember."

Yes, it will be me and Jiya against the world and for Chandni. Together, we will help her get through this tough period. I decided as I felt Jiya crash against my chest with sobs, happy sobs.

My heart was not stupid to lose love again.