Honest Thoughts

Love

My heart beats from a distance from beyond the veils of this flesh, I am in love.

I watch you from a distance, I watch you from an hour away. Time passes you by yet my heart is fixated upon you. Love? How can it be that l am in love? No, it cannot be I never sought it out and never wished upon the stars that l should fall in love. Love is foreign and I stand even more foreign to emotion. Love? I laugh in the face of love, wipe my bottom with it and feed my ego with the sound of it as it flushes down the toilet. That's who l am well atleast who l was.

I believed not in love but in balance and in balance there are those who break people and those who were broken. I had nurtured myself to stand alongside those who broke people. I showed no empathy within my exploits "Lovre" they called me, an alias to the monster l was. The monster l hid within me that those who fell victim to never wished to glance upon. I sought the hearts of many girls only to break them once l showed my true intentions and got what l wanted. As l look back upon that life time it saddens me to think l never even regarded them with humanity simply put they were projects of my desire to break the balance and stand on a class of my own.

Projects, I watched you from afar and your beauty aroused me. I waited for it to pass but as night came I thought more and more about you. I was possessed, a moth that had glimpsed upon the light and moving blindly towards the unknown. This could not be me, could it? My thoughts must have been screaming at me as you floated through my mind an image I wished forgotten but that had permanently engraved itself within me. Conversations began to fade as my mind slowly began to be consumed by the girl unknown.

Unknown? I knew not who she was nor what her name was and yet I was starstruck. Bollocks l thought to myself once again l saw her as she passed by oblivious to my eyes ripping her apart into bits trying to solve the unknown. As l sat in my classes l noticed her more and more the girl unknown but now she had a name, a name my heart has come to know and sings melodies but this is now so what was then?

Her name tormented me with each day and night that passed perhaps that's when "Lovre" began to fade into the depths of nothingness. Her name resided at the tip of my every thought and l knew l wanted her but was it my heart that spoke towards such an obligation or was it my mind. The pickings couldn't have been more vast and yet I wanted her. I watched from afar, I watched from the distance falling into an abyss that l knew not of. I became a stranger in my own world, she was intoxicating a flower l had set my sights on and one whose thorns I could never pluck out. She was rose and that was her name to claim, hers Black Rose.

Black Rose, why am l so driven to the thoughts of you? Why am l consumed by your existence and driven to curiosity, driven to learn you? Why? Time flew by and my mind was still enticed as her poison lingered. I had not taken the time to make her acquaintance, I only watched from afar. I failed to recognise this strange form I'd began to take as "Lovre" had faded and all "projects" lay buried in darkness long lost from thought. My Rose, do you not see the madness you've driven me into? I've become a stranger to my own existence, you govern my life without uttering a word. Love? How can it be? It could not be, l wrestled myself over that notion I knew not what had taken over me but only my longing to have her within my arms. Distance seemed to be the option to this feverish disease that consumed me but the further away l was, the most drawn to you l was.

You, I was falling for and within my own blindness l failed to noticed but only now I see that l had already fallen. I was in love with you and time had done me no justice for l had contemplated approaching you but could never find the words nor the perfect time to ever utter a word to you. I was aware of the skin that lay over my being and feared you'd turn away in disgust for l knew with the knowledge of the person l was anyone would. I sought change and sought growth and buried "Lovre" but it all mattered not because l sought you, Black Rose. A flame that l could not reach towards and grasp but also an ever so delicate rose, Fiore.

My dear Fiore if only you knew how my heart had become rooted upon you surely you weren't so blind not to see my eyes lingering towards you and wishing to breathe the same way you did, that my heart beat as yours did and I lay in the very bed you lay. How is it that you are blind to my love and do not see me within the distance? How am l to live for surely l cannot love in the dark.