sent {krii7y} ✓

vii

~*~ s m i i 7 y ~*~

what the absolute fuck have i done? why did i kiss him? why did i take him to my room? why was i going to fuck him? why did i even invite him?!

i wasn't drunk when i did this either. i did have a beer but that was it, i was in almost full control of myself. i don't know what came over me, it was almost like i lost myself, but i knew i was doing it.

great, and now i'm basically just making up excuses and trying to blame this on every other factor. i kissed john willingly and liked it. i've never had any thoughts like this before about a guy, why now? why him? it all just started as a joke. a sick fucking joke.

what's bethany going to think? oh shit. everyone is gonna know, they saw everything. what am i suppose to tell her?!

any good ideas left my brain as i began to think of how to explain this to her. i can't keep lying. i kissed him and liked it. i cheated. well, i've been cheating for days, but this is a new level. this is real life, not a phone screen. as if summoned, beth texted me.

bethy <3

hey babe. people have been saying you kissed john?
you were probably drunk, but i just wanted to know :(

can you come over?

oh god
you did, didn't you?
i'll be over soon to talk

<3
read

i can't believe this. i didn't want her to find out this way. oh god, if we break up, everyone is going to know what happened. craig and tyler are going to hate me.

~*~

"babe?" i called out as my bedroom door slowly opened.

"explain everything to me," i heard quietly. beth's voice was strained and needy. "did you cheat on me?"

"beth, please let me-"

"did you or did you not?" she interrupted, her tone more aggressive.

"yes," i sighed. i heard her let out a squeak, but she covered her mouth. "can i please explain?" she nodded. "you know that craig and tyler dared me to send him a shirtless picture, i told you that. well, he screenshot it and he sent one back. at first, i screenshot it as blackmail if he leaked mine, but we sent more and screenshot them, but i guess i started to like them..."

"lucas..." bethany mumbled, tears in her eyes. "were they... full nudes?" her voice showed so much tension, not wanting me to answer.

hearing the pain in her voice made my eyes well with tears. it physically hurt me to nod the answer.

"there's more," i mumbled. "i invited him to my party and... and i kissed him. more than once. and i..." my voice break and i couldn't get the words out.

"take your time," she whispered. god, i can't believe i did this to her. she's so sweet to me. she has been waiting to make love because i wanted to. she never was mean to me. she's even caring more about me right now than herself.

"i almost had sex with him," i barely got out. bethany stayed quiet. she was staring at her lap as tears dripped onto her skirt. "come here."

i opened my arms and she quickly took them, crying on my shoulder. we sat and just cried together for what felt like forever. i rubbed her back and played with her braid as she soaked my shoulder.

she slowly pulled away and the look she gave me made my heart drop. i just lost the person i love.

"i guess this means we have to break up?" i whispered quietly.

"i don't know," she mumbled back. "i don't want to, but it's obvious that you have feelings you need to figure out and i don't want to stop you."

"god, even when i fuck up, you still think of me before yourself. i can't believe i let this happen," i groaned, throwing my head back.

"it's just how i am," she sighed, laying down on my bed. "i still want to talk to you though. i can't just cut you out of my life, i can't do that."

"i want to be there for you too, i'm not leaving," i promised. "but you can't tell craig and tyler about john. they will ruin me."

"you know you can trust me, lucas," she rolled her eyes. but now she can't trust me.

~*~

3 fuckin fucks

tyler: you and bethany WHAT
tyler: you're lying, stop it

i wish i was
it's all my fault

craig: can you just fuckin tell us what happened? i'm tired of waiting for it to happen naturally

we just fell off i guess idk

tyler: okay but you guys were fine like 3 days ago
tyler: and how the fuck is that "all your fault"

craig: cause he's lying lmao. he probably fucked john or some shit and cheated on her

tyler: haha true
tyler: but also not funny to joke about cheating

okay fine, i lied. i told her that i started having feelings for someone else so we broke up so i could figure it out, okay?

i groaned and slammed my phone down. i can't believe this. i still care about her so much, but i can't stop thinking about john, god. what the fuck is drawing me to him? i've never liked a guy, i hated him, and he's so much lower on a social chart than i am.

what am i feeling for him?