Finding Myself

Chapter 2

When we got back from our trip to Kentucky, I was very happy to be back home. I was excited to see my mom again and just relax in my own home after a week of being in someone else's bed. We had the Monday off due to easter, so mom and I spent some time together just hanging out. It was nice to be with her again and to see her doing good.
We enjoyed her famous chili and watched a show or two together, enjoying each other's company.
During the week of her surgery, Mike's mom came to visit to help around the house while mom was still healing and was still around to help. My grandma was also there, but had left before I got home.

That night, mom went to bed early because she wasn't feeling too great. I went to bed, but stayed up way too late again. When morning hit, I didn't feel the best so I begged my mom to let me stay home—she did. That whole day, I just laid on the couch and watched Teen Nick. I felt like something was wrong though. I never saw my mom or my two dogs: they were all in her room. Dogs are known for sensing when something is wrong—we should've noticed that. I thought nothing of it really, but I was happy to see mom come out of her room once. I talked to her for a bit, but she went back to bed to lie down.

I definitely started to realize something was up when Mike got home from work early. Because he works in the Army, he has pretty long shifts, so he was usually home late at night. I tried to brush it off and ate leftover chili for dinner.

Around 9:00pm was when things started to get bad. I was told to get ready for bed, so I shuffled my way to the bathroom grumpily. I stopped when I saw Mike giving Mom CPR and yelling at his mother to call 9-1-1. I panicked and ran into the bathroom, shut the door, and slid down the wall. I instantly was set into panic mode. I sat there with my head in my hands, my body shaking, and my head spinning. My mind was full of the worst of thoughts. All I could do was pray as I cried in my bathroom. My step-grandmother knocked on the door and told me to go to my room, so I wiped my tears away and rushed to my room with my two dogs. I sat down in the middle of my room and hugged my dogs, collapsing into another mess. I cried as I heard Mike struggle to get my mom to breathe and my step-grandmother calling an ambulances.

My room was flooded with the flashes of blue, red, and white from the ambulance. I was still crying, freaking out because I had no idea what was going on. My mind immediately went to the worst possible thing. A paramedic walked into my room to help calm me down. She kneeled down beside me and promised me that everything was going to be okay and that my mom was going to be okay.

Why do they always lie?

The ambulance left with my mom and stepdad in the back. I got dressed and went with my step-grandma to the hospital. I sat in the car, anxious as all hell. My hands shook, tears streamed down my face, and I couldn't think straight. I knew that things weren't going to be okay, but I kept praying for it to be.

We got to the hospital and was led to a private waiting room where Mike sat. I sat next to him and started to cry into his chest, my body shaking and heaving. I cried until my throat was raw and I was coughing. We sat there, Mike holding me in his arms, for a long time. As a 10-year old, this was very traumatizing for me....It lives with me, and it'll live with me for my whole life.

After a couple hours of waiting with no answer, a doctor walked in with a grim expression on his face that told us everything that needed to be said. He looked at me and then Mike before speaking, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, I'm afraid that she didn't make it." My world destroyed right in that room. I started sobbing, my body shaking. It was like the world was ending. I felt hopeless. I was distraught. I lost my faith in the Man upstairs.

I didn't even get to say I loved her.

My world...was falling apart.