lifetime | c.s

•lifetime•

One thing I learned in life was never expect something that was impossible, expecting leads to disappointment and a broken heart. Loving Choi San was one of them, I never expected him to see me the way i see him because I don't want to lead myself to a heartache. The amount of encouragement I had from our friends saying that there was a possibility that both of our feelings were mutual and there was a actual chance for us but I ignored all of them. It's actually funny remembering how Seonghwa was so stressed everytime I didn't believe what he was telling me about San's feelings, he almost hit me with his lint roller.

"Choi San" his name still gives me a slight shiver.

We both met in 8th grade, I was new in school and he volunteered to help me adjust to the new environment after that no one can seperate us. My feelings for him started during the end of 9th grade when me and Wooyoung were fighting about something petty, he kinda helped us fixed our problem. I saw a new side of him that day and then I realized I liked him. For the past 10 years of us being so called bestfriends, I tried my best to move on but who can move on from him? He was not perfect but his imperfections were something you would actually adore. His smile everytime he jokes around with the boys or when he got a good grade in math, it was always a sight I love seeing. His heart, a heart made out of gold, he was truly a disciple of God even though he tried to be humble about his good deeds it was still amazing seeing him help people especially children from the streets. Even though i kept repeating im gonna move on from him, i really can't but i really should now.

"He's getting married tomorrow, get that inside your brain" i told myself while pointing at the mirror. I look crazy, the bags under my eyes so prominent and puffy from crying every night. I blame that stupid wedding invitation for making me like this. I remember driving for four hours after receiving the invitation from the mail. I didn't know where to go but I ended up having tea at Seonghwa's place. He kept saying I was a idiot for driving so late at night and for not confessing to san all of this years. I just kept crying while drinking my tea until I have fallen asleep at his sofa.

I walked up to my bed and picked up my phone, I threw this earlier after reading his messages. Seeing all his texts again made me mad again, not mad at him but angry at myself.

"Stupid San" I whispered through thin air while I read his messages again.

Tomorrow's the wedding
and i know you are not attending cause you have a business trip to london and you can't cancel
we have been bestfriends for 10 years
and i think i should tell you this
before i loved the girl i am supposed to marry, i loved you first
i never asked you out because i was scared
i was scared to lose our friendship
you were always vocal about everything and i admire you for that. you were so selfless because you took care of others before yourself
until now i still admire that
i will always love you my bestfriend

Knowing the fact that he actually liked me back— wait scratched that he loved me. He told me he actually loved me all those years but was also scared to lose me if ever he told me what he actually felt. I'm so mad at not believing our friends, they knew what he really felt and they tried their hardest to set as up.

How could I forget the last 'date' our friends set up, it was not an actual date because it was just at the backyard of Hongjoong's house and all the boys were inside the house. It was held the day after college graduation before I moved to a different city for work. How could I forget Mingi's screams that night from the inside about confessing while we were eating the food Yeosang and Wooyoung made but neither of us did, neither of us had the guts to confessed about our feelings for one another. I feel so stupid all of the sudden.

I looked at the clock it was almost midnight, I immediately texted my boss that I was gonna attend the trip to London the next day not tomorrow because I had a emergency, I know he will understand. I actually lied to the eight of them when I told them that my business trip couldn't be cancel, only Seonghwa saw through my lie and confronted me about it later that night, and I confessed that it was just a excuse to avoid attending the wedding.