The Manipulator

Chapter Two

The Rape

A couple months after giving birth to my daughter, my ex’s friend came over to our house all kinds of messed up. He had wrecked his motorcycle and needed a place to crash.Well my ex thought it would be a good idea to have a threesome. I was very hesitant and didn't want to. My ex held me down and raped me. His friend was too fucked up to even notice. He held me down while I Screamed and Cried and told him to stop. I was raped by my ex boyfriend. And it is the worst feeling in the world to be a victim. I didn't know what to do. I was scared and shocked and hurt by the fact that I thought he had loved me. I couldn’t understand why someone who claimed to love me would do that to me. I never went to the police. At that time, I didn’t know that when in a relationship you can still be raped.I thought that because we were together it didn’t count. That the police would turn me away. So I kept it quiet. Looking back now, I wish I had spoken up and said something. I wish I had told my mom so she could’ve talked me through it. Being raped does not define who I am. It is just another piece of a puzzle to add tomy collection. I don’t want pity or the I’msorries. It happened and all I can do now is keep living my best life. Raising my daughter how I want to without a disgusting man in her life. I am the only parent she will ever need. Being a rape victim sucks but i am not going to let in get in the way of me raising my daughter. 

Growing up for me was really hard. I was thrown into repeated custody battles between my mom and my biological dad. He was analoholic and very abusive. His wife would beat the crap out of me and the cops and the courts still let me go over there. My mom tried her best to raise and support two kids on her own, but it was hard. In 2006 she got a divorce from my little sister's dad and we had to move in with my aunt. We went swimming next door and I ended up at the bottom of the pool. No one knows for sure how long iwas there, but from what the doctors said I'm basically a miracle. The brain can survive six minutes without oxygen before there is any permanent brain damage. I was under the water way longer than those six minutes. The doctors were worried but I ended up pulling through. 

My ex was not the first person to touch me without my permission. I had a family member and their best friend have me do sexual things to them when I was seven years old. At the time, I didn't know what I was doing, I had no idea that it was wrong. When I found out that it was I was embarrassed and shocked. But later on when I got older and was able to understand what it actually was and was told that the family member was on all kinds of drugs, I realized that I was okay. No I don’t condone it, but he doesn’t even remember it happening. He was young and I was young. I have no hard feelings towards him. He has made up for his wrong doings and I can honestly say I don’t hate him. 

Rape is never okay. It takes away a woman's dignity. It messes with the mind to the point where the women contemplate suicide and other harmful thoughts. Rape happens to men as well and it is just as traumatizing. But the only way to get through it is to learn to live with it. I am always saying to myself, “ Yes I am a raoe victim, and yes it was against my will,but at the end of the day I’m not going to let it stop me from doing what I need to do.” As a victim I can’t let people tell me it was my fault. I can’t let people tell me that I deserved it cause I was wearing revealing clothes. Cause in both cases I wasn’t doing either of those things. What seven year old asks to do sexual things to a teenager and his friend. What women who just had a baby asks to be held down and raped while the friend sits back and watches. I was raped and I lived. But being a victim doesn’t define me.It makes me who I am. And I will do everything in my power to make sure my daughter doesn’t go through the same traumas I went through. It really messes a person's head up. 

I catch myself wondering  if I’m not good enough. Or if I’m too clingy. I constantly wonder if I’m pretty enough or smart enough. I’m constantly wondering why guys don’t start at me. And it makes me question whether or not they can tell that I’ve been a victim of sexual assault. I’m constantly wondering if I’ll ever find a guy willing to put up with me. I’m not an easy person to get along with. I think having to constantly protect myself growing up messed me up in the long run. I have many walls put up to protect myself. And it’s not fair to the other person but they need to know that I’m damaged goods. It’s kind of like that saying from kindergarten, “ You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” I'm fun once you get to know me.  

I’m an angry person. Not because of what happened but because it happened. I should’ve fought harder, and I most definitely should have told someone. I was just so messed up from giving birth that I didn’t know what to do. My ex is and will always be a manipulative piece of shit. He is good at lying, stealing, smooth talking, and constantly getting what he wants when he wants it. He is a womanizer, a cheater, an absent father, and most importantly a rapist. We broke up because I couldn’t take the lying and the cheating anymore. I couldn’t take the excuses and the fake tear and fake apologies. I finally realized my worth and what my daughter and I deserved and he wasn’t it. 

And I love being a single mom to the best little girl in the world. She means everything to me and I willdo everything in my power to keep her from that kind of bad energy and horrible negativity.