Anonymous Story

Up

According to Newton's laws of physics or something, everything that goes up must come down. And while things seemed to be going up, up, up for Marthe, she felt perpetually scared of the downfall. Yes, Marthe tended to fall in love quickly and recklessly but she was not altogether unaware of the consequences. It had of course, only been a few weeks since this short, little red-head had so gracefully nearly run her down and while logic dictated that Marthe should not at all be considering what their future home might look like or the little black kitten they would get together, she definitely was. This was, of course, what most people would refer to as "typical lesbian garbage". In fact, considering that they hadn't jumped directly into marriage, by gay woman standards they were moving a bit slow. Still, despite how high she felt with her, Marthe was very much so aware of their looming demise. Life did have a tendency of getting in the way of happiness. Carrie would have to return to the U.S. at some point within the next two and half months since she didn't have a visa, Marth would have to return to work after the holidays and it was a long-shot that Carrie would want to be dragged all over Europe, and long-distance was not a favourite idea of either of the women. As much as Marthe would have liked to just forget about it and enjoy the time that they did have as Carrie seemed to have done, she was always a bit of a glass-half-empty sort of person. And so in the following days she often found herself daydreaming about a life they were unlikely to have, the life they could have if Carrie stayed and if Marthe stayed, and if either of them were equipped to be apart. It wasn't that Carrie didn't notice the shift in Marthe's attentiveness, it was just that the older woman's staring off into space gave her more time to memorize the lines of her face in a way that she might not be able to if she was busy trying to concentrate on whatever Marthe was saying. It was in the quiet that Carrie could appreciate the slope of Marthe's nose, and the way her eyelashes were slightly shorter and thicker at the corners of her eyes, and the barely there freckles across her nose. It was these times that she could see the lines where Marthe had smiled and laughed, and the crease of her forehead where she had raised her eyebrows or furrowed her face in concentration. Carrie loved her even more fervently in this silence, she wanted to commit every part of this girl to her memory forever in case they might not have as long. Despite her unwillingness to speak of the inevitability that they would have to part ways in not so long, Carrie was very aware of it. As mentioned, non-confrontational. But, in her opinion at least, there was no point in wasting the time they had together worrying about the times that they wouldn't have together. On one particular afternoon, they laid out on the kitchen floor together, Carrie's head resting right next to Marthe's heart as she studied the way it would speed up if she dragged a finger along the taller girl's collarbone or breathed out just-so across her skin. She paused to look up at her dark-haired girl and said plainly that if they were to have a kitchen she thought that they should have yellow accents because red was terribly overused particularly in the area of culinary utensils. It wasn't that Marthe would give in to anything this girl wanted, it was just that Marthe would give in to absolutely anything that this girl wanted if it would make her stay. That's how they stayed there on the cool tiles, planning a life that they both knew they were unlikely to have together. By the end of it, Marthe couldn't really remember what had led to her agreeing to live in a modest cabin out in the country with cedar accents, a yellow kitchen, two cats, and cinnamon toothpaste because Carrie didn't like the taste of mint. She also couldn't bring herself to be upset at the notion of having a life together, even if she really did detest cinnamon toothpaste. It became a thing after that. When they brushed their teeth in the morning, Marthe might point out the olive-green hand towel in the bathroom so she could assert that their towel sets would definitely be blue. Carrie might look up from her feet while they walked through the park to point out the weeping cherry tree she thought would be nice in their backyard. This turned into a more purposeful endeavor. They would visit furniture stores so that they could plan what kind of couch they would have and pick the particular lamp they would keep on a table at the entryway. They would send each other real estate advertisements from across the room of houses that neither of them could afford. As much as it was an unrealistic dream, it was a nice escape from the truth of the matter. Carrie found herself falling in love with this fictional life nearly as much as she was in love with Marthe (or perhaps it was just that the fictional life had Marthe in it).

Carrie had commitment issues. As a Sagittarius, it was pretty much a given that she would. Her first boyfriend had been a nice boy from her family's church. He was kind, chivalrous, and polite but he had his flaws. Every Time somebody said the word "like" in conversation he felt the need to ask "like, or as if?". Carrie thought that was a reasonable excuse to end the relationship. She had a few somewhat girlfriends in highschool. Only in the sense that she would hold their hands in the hallway and everybody thought that they were dating. This was fervently denied at the time because Carrie was quite sure that she would know if she liked women. She had dated a police officer for the better part of two and half years. He had asked her to marry him and she had spluttered at the idea. It had seemed ridiculous at the time because two and a half years was not at all long enough to decide whether or not this was the man she wanted to spend her life with and she was only seventeen at the time. It wasn't a viable relationship anyways due to this particular cop's bad track record of keeping his hands to himself. She now figured that her commitment issues were less about dating Scorpios and more about dating men. That being said, the last time she had dated a woman, the girl had proposed that they move to East Michigan and raise bees together after three terrible weeks of being an item. The first point on that would be that there was nothing in East Michigan besides several mediocre colleges and an excess of poverty and crime. In addition to this, Carrie is allergic to bees. Which Lilly might have known had they been together for more than a month. She would also like to mention again that the girl's mouth tasted like pennies. Disgusting. Despite her bad track record with any sort of emotional connection to the people she dated, there was something about Marthe that was different. She was intelligent, but not smart alecky. She was proud about herself, and not afraid to kiss Carrie in public. Marthe would never lay a hand on her in anger, and wasn't really into the idea of beekeeping in general due to her general distaste for most bugs. The longer Carrie spent trying to come up with reasons to leave before she became attached, the more reasons she found to stay. This is not to say that Marth was perfect, she was feisty and opinionated. Marthe could have a hot temper on a bad day, spent a lot of her time tired, and at some points really lacked the energy it took to keep up with Carrie. However, rather than finding these qualities in distaste, Carrie thought it was rather endearing. She loved that she never had to worry about what Marthe thought because most times the taller girl would just say it if something upset her. Carrie thought that there were very few things more attractive than the way that Marthe would huff a stray lock of hair out of her face in the middle of an argument and pull her hand down across her face in frustration. And in most ways, Marthe really mellowed Carrie out. The shorter girl had a tendency to want to go and do things all the time and would run herself into the ground to get everything accomplished in an hour if she could, it was good for her to have Marthe tugging her back into bed for a nap, or reminding her that sometimes it was okay to take a break, even if the entire world desperately needed saving right then at that exact moment.

Marthe tried to have commitment issues. She really, really did. In the past, even if she had already fallen for somebody she would take a few steps back and hold her distance in case everything imploded. Her relationships had been a series of people telling her that she just wasn't lovey enough, she didn't confess her affections on a consistent enough basis, she was always leaving, and never calling, she talked to her friends more than her partners. Despite her numerous critical exes, Marth was rather okay with herself. She didn't happen to mind the distance that she kept from people at all. It was just that in this instance Marthe was finding it harder and harder to keep the gap between her and Carrie from closing altogether. It would be better if Marthe's emotional detachment was at all a deterrent towards the shorter girl but it did not seem that she generally cared in the slightest. In fact, Carrie herself was not particularly affectionate with words and really and truly hated confessions of love anyways, she thought that they were weird and awkward. It would be easier if Carrie was bothered at all that Marthe's career would have her traveling across the world, but Carrie was not still not irked in the slightest. Carrie, herself, was a bit of a vagabond and if anybody was understanding of a need to see the world, it was her. At most, the red-head was perhaps a bit jealous of all that Marthe had seen and done. It would be a good excuse to hold her heart back if Carrie was jealous and minded the amount of time Marthe spent talking to friends but Carrie had her own friends that she liked to talk to and didn't much care for green envy where it had no basis. The more she sought reasons that their eventual departure from each other shouldn't hurt, the emptier the list came up. It didn't take very long for Marthe at all to realize that her resistance was futile, the girl already held her heart in her hands.