White To Black Back To Nothing

Loosing my light

"I would explain if i could"that's what I said. May be explaining isn't the problem, maybe it's just me who doesnt know how to explain it but it must have an explaination I guess. Don't judge me you don't even know why i can't .
It wasn't planned I never thought about it either, I used to tell myself I could control everything that happens in my life, after all they say you are the author of your story. Really am I ? If I was would I have such chapter in my life? You tell me if you were the author of your own story would all the chapters in your life be there? May be I interpreted it in the wrong way. Who am I to blame me to have such a chapter in my life , I'm not God to have control over everything neither am I the devil to try make everything go my way.
Though if I was God would I change something!! Would you? why did God let it happen I thought they say He is love so why does He let it happen He knows it hurts. May be He is not love or He is just not their. Once it happened it was fun I thought it was working out then something stopped all of it. Was it me? Or it's the fault of the devil maybe I understimated it .
Once i6 let it go I moved on. Twice came seemed like my prayer of never again escaped the ears of God. Looked like Perfect came now i6 think it was the devil in disguise so perfect to be real. I gave in to the temptation, knew somewhere in my heart that I would end up in some darkness but I gave myself a doubt maybe the light in me would beat up the darkness. I still had that brightness in me. The twice was sweet and bitter I liked it . It's  like if twice knew all my desires. Twice came got half of all of me I forced myself not to give all of me. Before I could the devil showed his face I moved back went back to praying. The devil went back, the twice perfection came back .God had answered my prayers. It was sweet for some few days again told myself after all I am a daughter of God.
The lightining came never seen one so close. It was so bright. I thought they say the devil is dark. After all he is the king of darkness. But that day he was bright like a star. He came unto me from nowhere I couldn't  hide, tears fell, I went back to praying. The more I prayed the more it got worse it felt like my God had gone or he closed the doors on me. I cried that he sends the candle back to my life, that he makes it rain but seemed like he no longer listened to me. The light in me vanished the darkness won, I said to myself maybe it's the only way i could fight the devil. He is the king of the darkness so what here I am the  bittersweet Lord of the darkness. I will be  sweeter than how you were devil and I will be bitter than anything else you have ever tasted. Bittersweet hmm what a lovely name it is.
At first I liked dark, it looked like it was fiting me well I liked it but felt like I missed something. I was glad to see that my darkest side was darker than the one of the devil. Made me feel I had conquered his kingdom . The devil started turning one morning I saw him look into the sky he looked like he needed help. He came unto me tried my best to not fall for his eyes then he sang, how could I not fall for that voice. I pretended, let the worst  in me take over . He asked me to explain what happened. I couldn't . what is wrong? why is he looking like my light? It can't be I lost him long time ago he closed his gate. I wanted to pray but my darkness was to strong to let that happen. Devil is it another plan of yours? Do you want your kingdom back? Why do you look up you know the sky will always be blue. Is there something that changed? do you hate black now? Made me wonder if I didn't want to go back to my light. But the gates are closed. Twice was enough for me. As days passed devil kept on turning i6 felt jealous why is light opening for him. I'm better than him. He asked me to forgive him for twice. My ego made me refuse. He insisted I even found him praying for my light to come back. I wondered why he cared for me that much, I took away his kingdom, why is he ? I got tempted to go back to the light.